Dear Diary: My Birth Story & Some Days After...

So as you know from my previous post, I was in hospital from Tuesday the 30th June and was meant to be induced to have my baby on Thursday the 2nd July.

That Thursday a midwife came to me in the morning and told me that there was delays on the induction unit and delivery unit, so they might not get to me that night and it could be another few days. I felt let down straight away, all I wanted was to meet my little girl, but I had to just get on with it. As best as you can whilst you're stuck on a hospital bed, the same one as you have been stuck on for days now. I was slowly losing my will to live.

Waiting not so patiently for Indie

My appointment time came and went, so I got myself ready for bed. And the night midwife came round and did her observations. I asked her again if there's any improvement on the induction unit and she said no but she thinks that it'll be during the night that they take me.
She left my bay and came straight back in to tell me a room is now available for me. This was about half 11 at night. I was excited, and rang my mum and Luke to tell them. I might be meeting my baby soon!!
But the midwife had already explained to me that it can take 24 hours to take affect, then they have to get me to 2cm dilated, then I have to wait to be taken to delivery, where they will break my waters, but the wait there can be a couple of days! Again so disappointing. I told Luke not to come in that late because I knew nothing would happen.
It was about 1am when the midwife had done all my checks, and actually started to induce me. She used a Pro-Pessary that would sit behind my cervix and hopefully help open it enough to have my waters broke. She told me the pessary would most likely cause "mild" back ache and some "dull" period like cramps.
So she left me in my room to get some sleep...
I woke up at 4am in the worst pain I have ever ever felt. And it was all in my back. I was in pure agony. I called the midwives in and they told me it's just the pessary doing it's job and the back ache was normal. However it was not mild back ache I was experiencing, but I didn't want to seem soft. So I accepted what they said... But then there was a pattern, I had back ache constantly, but every 4 minutes the most excruciating lower back pain would strike. I didn't want to keep calling the midwives in, so I tried to just breathe through them on my own, I couldn't lie down, sit-up, stand-up, walk etc... I just couldn't do anything. Eventually it got that bad I rang for the midwife and a she came in, I told her everything and she just said to me "well what did you expect from labour" - So rude. But I asked for some paracetamol, and she got someone else to bring them to me about half an hour later.
I couldn't cope at this point, another midwife came in about 6am to check on me and I was in floods of tears, screaming every time I got a pain, this point the pains were every 3 minutes and getting worse, but all in my lower back. She sat with me and told me that it was probably where the baby was lying and I just needed to get some rest. But I couldn't do anything. It got that bad I was screaming and she went out the room.
At some point during this I had texted my mum saying I couldn't do it. I had rang Luke crying and he said he was on his way in, but I put the phone down on him because I couldn't concentrate, I had messaged my sister telling her I think the pains were contractions. All replying to me, ringing me, texting me and I just couldn't reply. I couldn't do anything but cry and scream at the pain.
Around 7:30ish (I think) another midwife came in and saw how bad I was, she was lovely and told me that she would take the pessary out and she would examine me to see what was going on.
She asked me to lie down for her, which I tried and got straight back up balling my eyes out. She tried talking me through the pain and she kept saying she needed to make sure the baby was okay, I started to panic but there was no way in hell would my body let lie down especially on my back.
It got that bad she offered me gas and air, as she was explaining what to do the pains kept coming and I just couldn't concentrate.
She then started rubbing my back for me and trying to calm me down enough to get me on the gas. Which worked and eventually I felt like I needed to lie down, I was shattered. I never took the gas and air away from my mouth because I knew the pain would come back if I did.
The midwife monitored the baby and I heard her heart beating normally and instantly relaxed. But I still couldn't take the gas away from my mouth.
She then took the pessary out and examined me, she said straight away "Gemma we need to get you to delivery, you're 4cm dilated, is someone coming in" at this point I had no idea what was happening, I didn't know what time it was, I didn't care. I felt amazing, so sleepy and comfortable. She asked for my phone passcode and for me to press on my husbands name, which I did but he's in my phone log as "Moon" and she was like "is his name Moon?" I managed to say Luke but nothing else. Next thing I know I heard his voice in the room and my mums. They said something about the receptionist wouldn't let them in until 10. So I knew it was that time. But I didn't speak to them, I didn't see them.
I wouldn't open my eyes, because I was scared the pain would come back. The midwife brought a wheelchair in for me to go over to delivery but I was not moving, no way! I was comfortable and didn't want anyone to take that away from me. So they moved me across on the bed... But it meant they had to take the gas away from me. I just remember getting so upset and scared.

Next thing I remember from then, is someone telling me to drink some water and to cool it on the gas and air. But I couldn't, it was my life saver. Then Luke just took it away and poured water down my throat. I grabbed for the gas and air again.
The midwife offered me an injection and said it would help so I just nodded for that. Then I the pains were coming back stronger because I could feel them through the gas and air. I started screaming again and someone said epidural, I just remember nodding my head.
Then that urge to push came and I got so upset. I heard someone mention 7cm and not to push, but I did anyway because that's what my body wanted.
Then everything sped up, and I could no longer have the gas and air whilst I was pushing, so I was waking up properly and I was full blown pushing to get my baby out. The midwife told me she could she the baby's head. I remember my mum saying "is that her head? Oh my god is that her hair?" - my baby has hair?! -  the midwife kept telling me to push and I was trying so hard but I couldn't hold the pushes for long and she kept telling me the head was going back, so I would try and hold it but it was so hard. I just remember thinking "I can't do it she's not going to come out" - but she did, and I pushed again to get her shoulders out, and I was sober in less than a second.
My baby girl was on me, alive and wriggling. She didn't cry which made me panic but the midwife said she was fine and it was normal.

I had just given birth. And my baby was perfectly healthy and looking at me. I was so overwhelmed. And I could finally see Luke and my mum. Apparently I crushed both their hands and my mum even had nail marks in her hands. oh dear.

Indie's first photo

My little girl was here, and she was perfect. Her eyes were wide open and so big. I was so in love.

Luke cut the cord and he looked so proud doing so, but I think he felt queasy.

Every thing in that delivery room went really fast from there. I asked the midwife if I pooped and she laughed and said no! Oh my I was so happy! and then she gave me the injection to get the placenta out, I think Luke nearly threw up at that point!
I needed to have stitches too. They said I didn't tear I just have a graze that was deepish but I didn't need many stitches.

The midwife took Indie away from me to do all her checks like her weight. Which is really strange because both me and Luke weighed 6lb 11oz when we was born, and that is exactly the same has what Indie weighed. Fate or what?!

Just staring at Indie was the best thing I could ever do, I was already so smitten. I think everyone in that room was smitten with her. She was just so adorable. And oh my god she was/is Luke's double. That hair, dark hair and lots of it. There's that old wives tale about, 'if you have lots of heartburn throughout your pregnancy then your baby will have lots of hair' - this is a complete and utter lie! I have never suffered from heartburn, and I still have no idea what it feels like, but my baby's head is full of hair.
It just adds to her perfection.

Luke & Indie

Luke when he was born

After that the midwife asked me to feed my baby, and she tried helping but the Indie just wouldn't latch on. So she told me to go for a shower and get myself sorted and then try again. At this point I assumed that was normal. I went for my shower and when I went to wash my legs I hesitate to bend down because I was so used to not being able to bend down because there was a baby in my belly! Then I just realised wow I can bend down. It was heaven being able to shower properly again!
I was only in the shower for 2 minutes and I missed my baby so much. I had to get back to her.

Me & Indie

Luke was just sat holding her, staring at her. I knew how proud he was to be her daddy. I could just tell from that moment that he will protect and love her so much. He had never held a baby before, but he was a natural.

I was moved over to the ward, and my mum had to leave and come back at visiting times, which was only a couple of hours away. Luke was able to stay with me, thank god. The midwife came to check on me and tried helping me feed Indie again, she just wasn't having it though, so we had to express some and feed from a syringe. Again I just assumed that was normal because it was all new and neither me or Indie have ever done it before.
Them few hours felt like minutes and my mum was back with her husband and my sister. My mums husband and my sister had been waiting outside the hospital from 10am-6:30pm, waiting to hear that I have had my baby and waiting to come see her. They looked so happy that they were finally allowed in. Everyone was just so amazed and proud with Indie, she is just beautiful.

Everyone left, including Luke at 8pm, which was a bit upsetting. But it gave me a chance to really work on this feeding issue, with the midwife. We spent what felt like hours trying but it was a major struggle. Eventually got Indie to latch on to me, but it was very painful. She clearly wasn't opening her mouth wide enough. It was a bit upsetting, but at the same time I knew it was going to be a challenge. It was the same thing every 3/4 hours, a challenge to get her to latch on, so we did some more expressing, and the midwives really tried to help me. This went on throughout the night and the next day. So I asked the midwives if I could stay another night because I wasn't confident that I could feed my baby. During that Saturday night and Sunday day I felt so much more confident. I seemed to be able to get her to latch on, on my own. It would hurt like hell, but I have been told it can do.

We got home on Sunday night, two days after Indie was born. We had visitors that night and during the visiting I had to feed her, so I did that on my own again, it was a challenge getting her on, but eventually did it.
My first night home with Indie was very difficult, because every time I tried to feed, she just wouldn't latch on, and she was getting so worked up, and crying (which she never did in the hospital), she was hungry and I was tired and it just got very stressful.

The midwives came round the day after around 3pm, there was a student midwife and a qualified midwife. They were both lovely and went over all the routine stuff that they needed to. Then when it got to breastfeeding, they really tried hard to help me, again with no luck. Indie just didn't want to try and latch onto me, but yet she was hungry. They told me they would come back in a few hours and really try and help me. I started to feel so useless and getting myself worked up. I couldn't help but get emotional. They came back and again they tried everything, all different positions, they tried everything and Indie was just not getting it. I couldn't try anything else. I knew I was in for another rough night. The midwives told me to express until they came back in the morning. I was so upset.

That night was a little better from the expressing and feeding her through a syringe again. But it made me feel awful. Normally people have bottles to feed their babies and feel close watching their baby drink/eat everything, or they have that closeness of breastfeeding. I had neither.
I hardly slept that night and was very tired all day.
I decided during the night that I wanted to bottle feed, and get some normality back, and hopefully that would be right for Indie.

Around 2pm the midwife rang me to tell me they haven't got time to come around, and I told her my plan to formula feed, and she asked why, so I explained and she told me to try the expressing but straight into the bottle and stock pile it up. So I felt a bit more confident doing that... it was going okay, I was stressed and tired but I really tried. Then that evening I went to express and just blood came out! Straight away I was in floods of tears, it all just got to much for me. I was sobbing on the phone to the community midwife, who just kept telling me to persevere with it all. But I was getting more and more worked up. It got to a point I was terrified of Indie waking up and needing food. I had no expressed stuff left and I felt awful. I felt like such a failure.

I told myself that I had failed for my baby and that the closeness from breastfeeding wasn't there and she was going to hate me for putting her on formula. I spent about 3 hours sobbing. Every now and again thinking about what I couldn't do and sobbing even more.
Luke tried to calm me down, but I felt like he thought I was a failure too. And my mum kept telling me to just formula feed because of how stressed, tired and upset I was. I wasn't able to enjoy my baby because of it all.
So I made the decision and ran with it. Dreading the midwives coming round in the morning.

But I made Indie her first formula bottle and she wolfed it down. And slept so well. So around 10pm Luke said for me to go to bed, which I did gladly. He said he would feed her before he came up, so at around 1am he brought her up, but she was so settled, and it was my turn to take over. She let me sleep until about 3:30am, I gave her another bottle and she settled straight away back to sleep until about 6:30am. This was amazing. A full night of no crying, no stress. I felt so rested and Indie looked so content. I felt in that moment that I had made the right choice. She clearly wasn't getting what she needed from me, and I wasn't getting what I needed from her.

This way I can enjoy her, enjoy seeing her feed properly, enjoy her being awake. It was heaven all morning, I was on cloud nine.
Still dreading the midwives coming and being disappointed in me.

The next day when the midwives came, they took one look at both me and Indie and told me that I had made the right choice for us. I was/am so relieved. They told me that I was doing everything I could possibly do right, but Indie just wasn't getting it, and the stress wasn't worth it for both me and her. I finally looked rested, and Indie was just so much more content for them. It was really nice for me to hear them understand my decision.

Breast isn't always best. And in my case it really wasn't. My baby wasn't feeding, and getting what she needed, and as soon as she went onto formula she settled right down.
I was really hard on myself about not being able to breastfeed, but at the end of the day it's not about me, it's about what is best for my baby.
I hope there are no new mums out there struggling and feeling guilty, because it's really not worth that. The worse feeling for me was dreading my baby waking up because I couldn't feed her. I felt guilty for thinking that way, and upset because I couldn't enjoy being her mummy.
Now she's perfectly content, she has a nice full belly and I can enjoy her being awake.

I love my new born baby.

Indie one day old. 

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Dear Diary: Week 37 & 38 (and nearly 39)

Well I don't really know where to start. It seems like everything that could possibly happen has happened in the last week. 

I had lots of appointments in this week. First the Health Visitor came round to see me at the house. Apparently they like to get the paper work out the way before the baby is here. It felt at first like she was coming to check up on me, like I was being judged about whether or not I would be a good parent and provide for our child. But then she was lovely and just asked routine questions. I was put at ease. She discussed breastfeeding with me and told me that if I ever needed help to ring them and they would come out and help me with it. This really reassured me because it's one of the things I am most worried about. 

Then I had my regular midwife appointment. But she was running late and asked if she could come to the house the next day to go over my birthing plan. 

This was dead easy, there wasn't much I didn't know. And because there was a possibility of being induced she went through the process with me. Terrifying me about it. But I know it's what me and baby need. 

I had a scan the following Tuesday just to make sure baby was growing nicely still and that everything was okay. I was asked if a trainee could do the scan for me, which I didn't mind. Everyone has to learn. She was actually a lot nicer than most experience sonographers, she explained to me what she could see and what she was measuring. It was actually quite interesting. She was also the first person to tell me how much my baby was weighing (estimated of course) 6lb 11oz. This was on Tuesday the 23rd June. 

Both me and Luke weighted that when we was born! 

But at least I know she's not going to be too small or too big. She's healthy! 

I saw a senior doctor at the same time because we've had growth issues and movement issues quite a few times. They gave me a date to be induced. 2nd July at 18:00. But it still felt like so far away. 

I've done nothing but panic throughout this pregnancy I just wanted her here. So I had visual aids to know she was perfectly fine. 

The doctor then offered me a membrane sweep to see if we could get things moving on their own. It was humiliating and so uncomfortable. But they've seen it all before. 

I got really excited and loads of people saying that it started them off. 

I walked up and down my stairs 15 times, I did little star jumps, I bounced on my birthing ball for hours and hours! 

I ate so much pineapple. 

I lost my mucus plug a few days later. Again getting excited. And a few niggley cramps. I thought "yep this is it, I'm having my baby soon"... 

But still no contractions, and no waters! 

I came in hospital on the Saturday because I lost a blood clot, but after all the checks, the midwife told me it was normal and the monitoring showed the baby was fine. They talked about being in slow labour and that the sweep was working and doing it's job. But it still meant waiting until the Thursday to be induced. 

I then had a routine midwife appointment again yesterday (30/06/2015) and she gave me another sweep. This time is was a lot more uncomfortable than the last one. And she told me that my cervix was open and that I was 1cm dilated. She also said "I've just touched your baby's head" I was thinking oh my god my poor child. But after the midwife checked her heart rate again she settled and was fine. 

I went home thinking oh this is great. It might bring labour on naturally and it'll be fine. But then I started to bleed really heavy and really fresh. Which isn't a good sign. 

So I rang the hospital straight away and they told me to come in and be checked. 

I wasn't waiting long and they did all the routine stuff, my blood pressure, my temperature etc... Then they put me on the monitor and the baby was happy in there. She didn't move as much as she normally does when I'm on the monitor.

Then the doctor came and had to do an internal to make sure there was no active bleeds! I thought this doctor was going to kill me. Honestly. She must of just passed or something, because she was honestly clueless. I didn't know whether to be annoyed, scared or feel sorry for her. 

She did the internal and said there was no active bleed but then the nurse next to her looked very concerned and then the doctor said that I started bleeding again and she needed to check my cervix. It hadn't opened anymore. But it really really hurt when she was doing it. 

She told me she had to speak to the senior doctor and would get back to me. 

At this point me and my mum was just like "what the hell just happened" I still don't really understand it now to be honest. 

But the senior doctor came to talk to me and he was lovely. So understanding. He asked me if I was okay staying there now until Thursday (when I'm being induced) because of the bleeding and movements they want to keep an eye on me. 

So he went and left me with the other doctor who was putting the needle in my hand ready for the drips. And she took forever to get what she needed. She just couldn't find what she needed at all. This made me really nervous. And I was starting to get annoyed. I know it's not her fault but I was already worrying and this just didn't help. 

When she finally got everything together she put two thin pieces of paper on my knee, under my hand. 

Then she put the biggest needle in my hand I have ever seen! Oh god did it hurt! I could of cried. Then blood went everywhere!!!! All over the bed, all over my pants, soaked straight through the pieces of paper she put down. 

Again just adding to my annoyance. 

But she did what she had to do and got it all ready before I came down on the ward. 

I'm now on the ward waiting to find out what's happening today and been told that they might try and induce my s day earlier if they have the slot. So fingers crossed!!!

My bump at 38 weeks... 

Dear Diary: 20 things my pregnancy has taught me.

1. Being wide awake at 4am is going to happen. 

2. The legs cramps are like nothing you have experienced before. 

3. Period pains still happen and you will want to cry. 

4. It hurts when you walk. 

5. It hurts when you sit down. 

6. It hurts when you lie down. 

7. They tell you to sleep on your side, but it's not comfy. 

8. You can't sneeze without doing a mini wee. In fact you can't do anything without doing a mini wee. 

9. You will love feeling that baby move. Especially if you have a quiet one like mine. 

10. The closer you get to giving birth the more excited and less scared you get. 

11. Preparing your hospital bags is actually more exciting than packing a holiday suitcase. 

12. The love you have for your stomach seems unreal. 

13. Stretch marks don't bother you has much as you thought they would. 

14. Being nevous about breastfeeding doesn't go away, no matter how many midwives tell you how great it is. 

15. You really do learn who's going to be there for you. 

16. Your own mother becomes your rock. 

17. Your husband still has no idea what's about to happen to his life. 

18. And the thought of being a parent terrifies but excites him. 

19. You get to 37 weeks and you will do anything to try and get that baby out. (Safely of course). 

20. You get a baby at the end of all this. 

Dear Diary: Week 35 & 36

Well I feel quite emotionally drained writing this post. What I would give to say these last two weeks, well especially this last week, has been uneventful. But the truth is it's been awful.

In week 35, everything was going great, I was preparing and getting excited for Indie's arrival. Getting mine and her hospital bags ready and just purely being excited.
I was getting quite impatient also, wishing that she would come early, but at the same time be safe doing so.
My cravings during this week were exactly the same as they have always been (milk in the morning and fizzy pop in the afternoon), except I was getting hungrier quicker, and found myself snacking a lot more during the day. I think this is because I'm at home now and not at work. It's easy to get bored and turn to food as something to do.
I also started going for an afternoon nap, I found that if I didn't go for a nap during the day then I would want to go to bed at 7:30/8pm. But that would mean I wouldn't spend any time with Luke and I would wake up at a ridiculous time in the morning.

Which brings me to this week just gone.
Last Saturday I was in a very bad car accident, which you can read all about in my earlier post: Do I believe in Fate?
Basic summary is a car failed to stop at a give-way and was speeding, my car went straight into the side of him and caused my airbags to go off.
Because I'm only short I have to sit quite closely to my steering wheel, so when my airbag went off it hit my stomach straight on. It cut and bruised me quite badly.

The photo above was taken the day after the accident, whilst I was still in hospital. I was kept in for one night just for observation, mainly because they didn't want me going into labour because of the accident.
Luckily Indie's heartbeat and movements were perfectly fine, and I was reassured that she was unharmed during the crash.
A week later my stomach is looking a lot better...

The bruising is still there and is still very tender to touch. But the cuts have started to heal now and all the red markings have gone.
I had a scan on Tuesday because of static growth reasons, and they said that Indie has grown by 2cm and is finally on track on her growth chart. But because of the accident I still need to be re-scanned in 2 weeks to make sure that hasn't affected anything. They have also mentioned because of the amount of times we have been in because of growth and reduced movements, they will be talking about a date for my to be induced. Which is both excited and nerve wracking.

A few days after the accident now, I'm feeling very tired and stressed. A lot has happened with insurance and personal claims, it's all very overwhelming. But I'm going to let the lawyers take care of all that and concentrate on the fact that Indie will be here soon.

I have now finished packing Indie's hospital bag, and it's just some cleaning clothes left to be packed in mine. So I am officially ready for this little girl to arrive.
I just want her here, with me, so I have visual aids to know that she is perfectly safe and healthy.
I spend hours just getting in tune with my body and watching her move.
She's getting very strong now, and sometimes her movements hurt me or take me by surprise.

But it's just so nice to see her moving like this after everything that has happened. It's my only comfort that she is still happy in there.

I feel like my bump has grown literally over night. I feel huge, and I think people are starting to see how uncomfortable everything has gotten for me. My stretch marks are every where now, but I refuse to let them get me down. I will just have to work hard after birth to try and get rid of them. I suppose they are the marks of something amazing. I shouldn't be ashamed of them.

Here is my bump at 36 weeks...

Dear Diary: Do I Believe in Fate?

I've always been one to say that everything happens for a reason. But I honestly can't put a reason on this one.

On Saturday night I was in a car accident. The first car accident of my entire life, and I was driving!

I'd like to say that is was a little bump with another car, but it wasn't. It was a full on, head on, airbag kind of crash.
I want to say I'm lucky I wasn't on my own, which in a sense I suppose I am, but that's not to say I feel lucky that my sister was with me in the passenger seat. I just mean that if she wasn't there I don't know how the night would of gone. She reacted so fast, and me so slow (after the crash). And this scares me.

I was driving home from doing our bi weekly shopping, and I turned onto our neighbourhood, I was just driving, literally 20 seconds away from my house, not thinking that this was going to happen. I must of been going about 15mph. When a blue car failed to give way on a side street, he looked like he was doing 50mph but in reality he was actually doing 25/30mph. He didn't even attempt to stop.
I don't really remember much of the crash in all honesty. I remember my sister gasping, seeing a blur of blue (the colour of the other car), but he had passed me, yet I knew I had hit him, I had already slammed on my brake, but it happened so fast.
I just remember seeing my airbag and smoke and by the time I had realised this, Abbie was around my car opening the door and I just panicked. My stomach was on fire, and so tight. I needed to make sure my baby was okay.

We had some really amazing help from our neighbours, who got me a chair and did all the ringing for an ambulance and police. Abbie ran around the corner to get Luke from the house. I can only imagine the panic in both of them. Luke says Abbie nearly smashed the door in and he had no idea, I guess everything goes into slow motion when you hear your heavily pregnant wife has just had a car crash. Abbie threw up there and then, I guess; the fear, the panic and the adrenalin was just to much.

I was sat waiting for the ambulance to come, begging they would be fast, because I just wanted to know my baby was okay. She started wriggling around as I was sat waiting, but my stomach was hurting so much. Not pain inside, outside, like someone had set it on fire. As I was waiting and everyone was making a fuss, I finally started to look around...
I saw my car!

 

I just couldn't believe that was my car, and that I had just crashed into another car.
I looked around for the other car, it was half way down the street it was aiming for, but had completely spun around, I saw that there was a massive dint from my car, along the backside of the passenger side. No were near the same amount of damage as my car.

I saw a man that looked like me might of been driving, his eyes were all red and he looked very distressed, he was about 25 years old. Then I was told he was the passenger and that the side airbag went off and hit his face and caught his eye. It was his dad, about 50 years old, that had been driving. Someone got all his details for me. But as we was waiting for the ambulance and police, he had approached me. He apologised and I could see how bad he felt.
I personally think that he's done that junction a few times and never had an accident, but now he's done it and caused this, with a pregnant lady I think guilt kicked in straight away for him.
I just sat there and looked at him, I couldn't say "it's okay" because it wasn't. I told him that I need to make sure my baby is okay!

Then the ambulance showed up and I was put into the back straight away. They did all the checks and said I needed to go to hospital but they didn't think my baby was in immediate danger.
She was still wriggling around...
I told the medics that my stomach was on fire at the top and it was so sore. They lifted my top and I just went into hyper-venting mode...

Them cuts and marks were all new, all I wanted to know was what damage this had caused for Indie, and was she safe. 

Eventually we set off to the hospital, with sirens and lights. It was scary... And it was on the way to the hospital then I just grabbed Luke's hand and burst out crying. This was the first time I had cried since it happened. It just hit me. I had been in a car crash, I had been in a crash with my sister, I had been in a crash whilst I'm pregnant, I was driving!

We got to the hospital at exactly 8pm. 

I calmed down when we got to the hospital and I was taken to the ward on a stretcher. The midwives took over straight away. 

First thing they did was check for the heartbeat using the handheld microphone thing. She found it straight away. I couldn't control myself, I was in floods of tears, and looked over to Luke who had also broke down. The relief that her heart was still beating, this was such a good sign. 

Whilst we was waiting to go onto the monitor, the police man turned up to talk to me. 

He told me the other driver had admitted to all fault, and he had given the correct statement. He told the police exactly what had happened. 

The police told me that he was being charged for a careless driving offence, which means 6 points on his license and he has to go on a course. Because he failed to stop at a give-way. 

At this point I wasn't bothered about all that, I was relieved that it wasn't a battle, it was black and white, his fault. But at the same time I wanted to know how he was, and his son. 

The police told me that they weren't taken to hospital, just treated at the scene and sent home. He told me not to worry about insurance, he had got all the details and wrote them down for me. He said to ring when I can and they will sort everything out for me. 

Before he went he told me the other driver wanted to know if I was okay with the police man letting him know how I got on. 

So he (the police man) set up a password with the hospital to get access to my details. 

I was then moved to another room where they put me on the monitor for an hour and 45 minutes. 

Her heart was strong and she was wriggling around. She was letting me know she was okay! She went quiet (movement wise) for about 20 minutes, so I had to stay on a bit longer, but the midwives said it was normal, it's just they don't move as much when they are sleeping. 

But everything was so reassuring. 

At this point my mum, her husband and my sister came up. They had been taken to A&E to check over my sister. She was looking so pale, scared and tired. She had sprained her neck, shoulder and left arm. So she was in pain with that. 

I just felt in that moment that we both were very lucky, grateful for our seat belts and just lucky it wasn't a few second later... 

I know you shouldn't think like that, but if I was a second later, he would of crashed into the side of me. And he would of caused a lot more damage to me and the baby.

A doctor came and saw me about 1am, and told me I had to stay over night for observation. It was around 2am that I got a bed. I didn't have any over night stuff, so I had to sleep in my t-shirt and underwear, so uncomfortable. 

Saying bye to Luke and everyone was hard, I know how worried everyone was. 

But we had been told all signs are looking great, babies movements are strong, her heartbeat healthy and that staying in was just routine. 

I managed to get 2 hours sleep at the most. And that morning about 10am I was put on the monitor again. 

And she was perfect. He heart beating as strong as it is was the best sound ever. The doctor came and examined me to make sure I wasn't going into labour, thank god I wasn't. But she said I need to be scanned to make sure everything was okay. So I have an appointment on Tuesday morning for that. 

She told me they are probably going to get me to about 38 weeks and induce me. She told me this wasn't anything to do with the crash, it was for the static growth reasons. 

I was sent home on bed rest. 

All I keep thinking is "what if" and it's such a bad way to think. 

Both me and my sister can't believe we was in a car accident and that we aren't seriously hurt. 

Maybe it happened to tell me to stop panicking so much about the baby, and if she can survive something like this, then she can survive my every day life. 

Maybe it just happened because that's life and shit happens. I don't know. 

Is it fate? Or just life? 

Right now all that matters is that every one involved is not seriously hurt.

Dear Diary: Week 33 & 34

Wow, a lot has happened in this last couple of weeks...

Week 33...
I finished work this week, which in all honesty felt absolutely amazing! Pressing that log out button on my phone was just pure heaven.
At the same time over the last few months I have gotten really attached to the girls on my team, and I'm quite sad that I won't see them as much.
My team gave me the best send off, I came into work on my last day, to my desk full of balloons and banners.

All thanks to my Team Leader! What a legend.

All my team brought in food and presents for Indie, it was just a really nice special day. I thought I would get more emotional than I did but I kept myself together quite well. It was only on the car ride home, on my own, that I got a bit tearful. Again not about leaving work more about the people. Everyone from the department had signed a card for me, I love reading through it. Thanks guys!

Week 34...

My first week off work started off not so good. I was worried about Indie's movements, she had moved just not as much, so I rang the Triage and they told me to go in straight away. So at half 10 at night me and Luke went into hospital, the midwife there took my measurements and then told me that I would have to be scanned, I was put on the monitor for 45 minutes, were I heard Indie's heart beating nice and strong. A doctor then came and told me that the reason they want to scan me is because of growth issues again and that if I was further along they would be looking at inducing me, but at nearly 34 weeks, they want to do more test. 

So the next morning I head to the hospital, on my own, to be put on the monitor again for half an hour. But I'm not complaining, because listening to Indie's heart beating is the best noise I could ever listen too...

I could listen to this all day everyday. Then I went down for my scan, and waited for the results, I was told by the midwife that I need re-scanning next week just to double check that she's growing or not growing, and then I would have to speak to a senior doctor to create a plan.

Which is really scary because I don't know what to expect. Some part of me wants her to come now, but that's just me being impatient. I just want her to be safe! 

I have now packed Indie's hospital bag, so at least if she does come early I know she is prepared. 

We also went shopping for my hospital bag stuff today, so as soon as that is packed I am ready. 

It's crazy that if everything is okay with the scans then I still have 6 weeks to go. Seems like forever away. But in a couple of days I will be able to officially say "I'm having my baby next month" which makes it feel a little bit closer. 

I decided to have my younger brother and sister over for a couple of days, one it gave them something to do during the school holidays, two it gave me something to do and three it helped take my mind off the hospital and whats going to happen. 

It was lovely having them over, I feel like I barely get to see them with me living so far away. 

The first day they were here, we took Elijah out for a walk and spent the afternoon making daisy and buttercup chains.

And the second day we decided to bake (sort of). We made white and milk chocolate rice crispy cakes, and I bought on of those ready made kits. It's was really fun and gave us all something to do. 

It tired me out though, I dropped them off back at my mums, came home and had a 3 hour nap. 

These last two weeks have been very tiring, I just want to sleep all the time. Nap time is my favourite time. 

My cravings are the same, milk in the morning and fizzy pop in the evening. And my appetite is forever there, there is no stopping the amount of food I want to eat. 

My legs are getting really bad for cramps, that's why I've been trying to get out a lot with Elijah, for some leg exercise, which really does help. I'm going to be looking into Aqua Natal as well now that I'm off work. 

We have bought everything Indie needs now, so it's all just a waiting game. 

Here's my tiger stripes this week...

Dear Diary: Week 31 & 32

Well this is going to be a short one really.

As far as my pregnancy goes, everything has been plain sailing over the last two weeks. Not much as changed, other than my bump growing and growing and growing.
I'm starting to waddle when I walk, which many people are enjoying laughing at me for.

I've always been a bit of a picky eater, but since getting pregnant I have really gained an appetite. It the strangest of ways. I used to hate red meat, I would eat it if I had too, but my body is clearly craving it. There has been a few times at a restaurant were I have ordered a steak or a beef burger, but it's just not me. It's strange.
I was trying to explain what a craving during pregnancy feels like to a friend the other day. I honestly feel like it's completely different from just fancying a bar or chocolate or a beer or something. For me it's like I need to have what I'm craving, and I can't shift that feeling until I have it.
For instance I crave milk in the morning, and I have to have it... The other morning there wasn't any, and I could of cried, I didn't want to leave the house all day but I had to, my car was flashing because I needed petrol, but it was enough to get me to the local Asda and back for milk, I felt like I couldn't survive without it.

I finish work next week, I can't tell you how much I need to finish. The stress of the job is just getting to much, the atmosphere is not very nice, and because of my hormones I just feel really really down when I am there. That and the fact I am sitting at a desk all day on a computer chair is just so painful, I literally wince when I get up off my chair.
I'm looking forward to my nesting period. I have decided that I will clean one room at time, that way I know I am doing a thorough job, starting from the upstairs. People already joke that I have OCD, but I'm actually really looking forward to it.

I've been slowly getting Indie's nursery together, I love just walking in there and staring at her stuff, going through her clothes all the time, or re folding blankets and towels. I'm not 100% sure what I want for her bedding, or her theme, but I think it's coming on nicely.

Putting them shelves up was a task and a half. Because they are so solid, we had to put them up with a drill, and neither me or Luke are DIY people. It took 4 attempts, but we did it. There is 6 different holes under them shelves. Glad no one can see them. All of them drawers are full to the brim, and her cot is full of clothes waiting to go into her wardrobe. I love white furniture, and the pine on the drawers and shelves really work for a nursery. I just love how everything is coming together. Her cot was a gift off my mum and the shelves off a friend, I love the amount of help that we're getting. We're so grateful.

We have got most of Indie's things now, there are a few bits and bobs we need to get. We got her pram the other day, which was off Luke's dad and Step-mum. We went with the iCandy Peach Jogger in Glazier. I love it. It's currently in my hallway, which gives me every opportunity to push it around my living room. I asked Luke if I could push it outside and he said no! ha.

I had done a lot of research into prams, because originally I wanted the Silver Cross Surf. But after doing my research The Silver Cross reviews were saying that they aren't very good for an older baby/toddler, and that they are quite small. But a lot of the reviews about the iCandy were great, the adapted push chair will fit a 3 year old in comfortably. I know a 3 year old will probably be walking or in a buggy, but at least I know it will last us. We just need a maxicosy car seat to fit onto the adapters.
The changing bag goes perfectly with my pram, I love it. It's so big and has the most pockets you can possibly imagine could fit onto/into a bag. This was a gift off another friend of mine. I love Babymoov - everything just looks decent, and they have great reviews on most of their products.


My bump is getting very big now, and people joke that I might be having twins, or that I am going to give birth to an 11 pounder!!
I am getting uncomfortable now, I just wish I was full term then I would know I don't have long left to go. These next 8 weeks is going to be the longest 8 weeks of my life. I've never been patient. I am starting to enjoy her movements a lot more now. She's getting stronger and watching my stomach move it amazing...

31 week movements

32 week movements

I love watching them videos. Every night around 9pm is when she really starts to wriggle. I can sit for hours watching her, if she would move for hours, but she has about half an hour and then she stops. Every time I shout to Luke or anyone to watch, she stops. Or even when I get the camera out to video her, she stops. Sods law. She's not much of a kicker and she isn't very active, but I'm not as worried as I was because I think that is just her natural movements.  

My stretchmarks are appearing more (I would say getting worse, but I guess they are something to be proud of), all down the sides of my thighs and all over my "love handles". I feel like my legs look huge, but they are very swollen and my feet are starting to swell up during the day when I'm out and about. Hopefully all these things disappear or fade after birth.

Here are my tiger stripes this week...

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