Dear Diary: Sorry I've been absent

I'd like to say that I've not been writing for some amazingly great reason. Truth is I haven't had the energy. Whilst I was pregnant I had time to collect my thoughts and write things down. Whilst I was pregnant it was just me, I was just focused on how I felt. 

I sit here writing this on my phone, because it's easier when your baby doesn't let you put her down for naps. Instead she's flat out in my arms as she always is for nap times during the day. 

My baby is now 4 months old. And I've just found my barings. 

Everyone sugar coats the truth on social media, myself included. Maybe the truth is a bit harsh because my Instagram is full of happy amazing photos of my baby. And none of them are a lie. But what my Instagram doesn't show is the numberous times I have tried to help my baby control self soothe, or the times that for no apparent reason my baby just cries, screams even until her face is so red and wet from all the tears, and how I panic because I don't know how to soothe her. I know she's fed, clean and warm. I cuddle her, I couldn't possibly cuddle her anymore but she's just over worked now. We get there though every time. She comes out of it, either in sleep or just by walking around the house. We get there. 

It was harder when she was a newborn for me and my energy levels. Every one kept telling me sleep when Indie did, that's easier said than done. I was exhausted, don't get me wrong. But I couldn't sleep. I had a house to look after, a husband to entertain and my own body to clean and feed. And by the time all that was done it was back to Indie's every need. 

It's easier now because Indie has slept through the night since she was just over 2 months old. Maybe not as long as that. I can't be sure. But it's amazing. She's amazing. I put a lot of it down to routine. She knows when it's bed time because it's dark and I've stopped playing with her, instead it's all about being comfy, and being cuddled and warm. Without this routine I think I would still be struggling. Because of this routine I now spend my day times awake and alert. We enjoy playtime because I have the energy to play with her. I manage to clean my house a little easier although I'm starting to realise that my house isn't as important as spending the time with Indie on her playmat. 

I have found that I do feel guilty when Indie is sleeping on my for her nap time, I feel like I should try putting her down so I can do something around the house. Truth is I like that she needs to sleep on me during the day. She won't be so little for long, and I'll miss these times when I no longer have them anymore. She sleeps so well on her own at night, why should I complain that she doesn't during the day. I get a solid night sleep because of her. I will take anything during the day. 

I love everything about being a mum. I love the smiles Indie has for me in the morning and I love how she stares at me when I'm talking to someone. I love when she pulls on my nose when I'm trying to get her to sleep and she finds it funny. I love that when my husband comes home from work and she hears his voice that she looks for him. I love getting her dressed and feeding her. Not once have I got impatient or upset with Indie. Which if I am honest I am surprised by. I thought that I might get stressed and upset when I didn't know what I was doing. But I just do it. It's true what they say that your maternal instinct just takes over. 

People also said that my love for my husband would never be the same, that's not true. I don't love him less. I love him more. People said that you will love your baby more than your husband, who's making my choose? I don't think you could say that at all. I love my baby unconditionally but I love my husband unconditionally too. No one is making me choose between them. 

All in all having a baby is not easy, it's not all smiles and giggles and fun times. But it's all amazing. 

Posts on Indie to follow... 

Dear Diary: Indie is 8 weeks old already!

Wow, I can not believe how fast time goes. From dragging so much at the end of pregnancy to flying by when they are here. It's scary that my baby is 8 weeks old already.

Week Five:
Indie's clinginess continued and I was spending hours of the morning just vegged out in front of the TV while she slept on my chest, feeling guilty because I wasn't getting the house work done and the washing wasn't being put out. But I then read a blog post about how for 9 months your baby has spent warm and snuggled with you, going everywhere you go, listening to your heart beat and smelling your smell, it's only natural for them to want to sleep on you, where they feel the safest, and that's when I stopped thinking to myself that Indie was being clingy and stopped letting it get to me. As long as she is happy, fed & clean nothing else really matters. I do love snuggling her but I was finding it difficult when she wouldn't let me put her down.
Since we got the car back, it's been really nice getting out and about and taking Indie to visit everyone. I think the reason I was going out a lot was because Luke went back to work, and I wanted that conversation. Me and Luke have decided that once a week I would take Indie down to meet him at work for lunch. The first time I did this, Luke wanted to take Indie up to his office to show her off to everyone, which was really sweet. Everyone rushed towards us and circled Indie, Luke looked like the proudest dad in the world, it was so lovely to see.
I started taking Indie to baby massage as well, she was struggling with constipation and I was told baby massage would help. I was a big nervous going on my own, but all the mummies there were alone. Indie was so quiet the whole way through, like she was really enjoying it. I enjoyed it too, talking to other mummies and it made me feel like I was being interactive with my baby and doing the right things for her.

Indie Five Weeks Old

Week Six:
Indie was smiling!!! Like full on big cheesy gummy smiles. They were/are amazing. But finally knowing for sure that she was smiling was amazing. I really cried a few times. Every morning I would look into her moses basket and talk to her and she would clock in on me and just smile and smile, the best smile in the entire world.
During the week she also started to talk to me, coo at everything I said to her, and she became more content being left on her mat. She would just lay, kicking her feet and looking around the room, talking and smiling at everything. It was amazing to watch her. So instead of getting the house work done when she was like this, I would just sit and watch her.
At the end of this week it was my birthday and I let my mum have her over night, it was heart breaking to leave her, but I knew she was in safe hands and would be okay. I tried not to think about the fact I left her all night, but I checked in a few times. And both me and Luke woke up at 3am, because that was a normal time for her to wake up. I even surprised myself and didn't go pick her up at 7 in the morning, I actually went at dinner time to get my birthday cuddles. I felt refreshed after getting an "okay" nights sleep.

Indie Six Weeks Old

Week Seven:
Going through all Indie's clothes and pulling out the ones that don't fit her anymore and realising she probably hadn't even worn half of them, I had my favourite baby grows and was so upset when I she was getting to big for them. I couldn't believe how fast she was growing, and being shocked at how much she weighed every time I took her. I have decided that I want to make a patch work blanket or quilt out of my favourite grows of hers, something that she can keep forever, maybe use for her own children one day. I have kept the blanket from the hospital, she has literally had that from the second she was born, and it quickly became my favourite blanket for her. I will treasure it forever (hoard more like!).
She was starting to take her bottles so much better and we had to up her Oz's, she was being in an awkward stage of wanting 4 and a half, so not matter what I had to throw milk a way. But now that she's on regular bottles and amounts it was time to try and get her sleep into a routine. So we started putting her into her moses basket at a certain time every night, whether she was awake or not, and leaving her there. So soon started to know the difference between light and dark, she would be happy to lay awake babbling to herself and falling asleep on her own during the night (when it was dark), but in the morning when it was light outside, she would not be put down, she would just get angry and start fussing. I'm just happy we managed to move her body clock around.

Indie Seven Weeks Old

Week Eight:
I can't believe that my baby is eight weeks old already. It's amazing to see how much she has grown since she was born, even since she was four weeks old. Not only in length but in weight. She's getting some chubby cheeks, arms and legs on her.
Over the last weekend I was invited out to Luke's step-sisters 21st, and it was an all girls night, so Luke had Indie on his own for the first time since she was born. I had planned to stay away over night because we live to far for me to of come home. I could tell he was looking forward to the challenge and to spend some quality time with Indie. I knew my sister (who lives with us) would be very hands of and a big help if he needed her to be. And she was. I checked in as much as I could, I tried not to be overly protective but I couldn't help it. Finally at 11 Luke told me he was going to bed and for me not to ring and Indie was perfectly fine. I went to sleep at 4 in the morning but woke up at 7 and had to get home to her. It wasn't that I thought anything would happen to her, but I missed her, and I knew she was at home and I just wanted her cuddles.

During this week we got Indie to sleep all through the whole night!!! Oh my we was so happy. Not only to of had a full nights sleep, which of course was amazing, but we're doing this parenting thing right. Getting her into a routine!

Friday 28th August

Indie had her injections this week, and her routine check up. Everything was perfect with Indie, and she's perfectly healthy. Getting her injections though was horrendous. I felt like such a bad mum. I had got her all calm and happy, and she was looking at me and smiling, she was holding my hands and was evening cooing at me... Then the doctor put the first needle in! The shock and pain on Indie's face was heartbreaking, and then the scream that came after... I felt so guilty, like I shouldn't of got her so happy and made her feel so safe, for that to happen. I guess every mum feels guilty. It's a necessary evil.

Indie Eight Weeks Old

Indie at eight weeks:
Indie has really found her voice and can focus a lot better with her eyes now. When we speak to her, she will clock in on your face, and start talking. She's a lot more smiley lately, especially in the mornings. And her sleeping at night is great. Her bed time is 10pm every night (with the odd exception) unless she falls asleep earlier. She is starting to do 6-8 hour stretches of sleep, which is great for mummy and daddy. She is now able to hold her head up on her own and follow people around the room with it. She is also becoming very strong with her legs, we stand her up on the floor and chase Elijah around. Elijah is great with her and is very protective when he wants to be, a lot of the time he just wants to be part it all. Indie has found her thumb a few times, but she hasn't realised that she's in control of her own hands yet, so she doesn't suck her thumb for long.

Sucking her thumb

She is liking her dummies a lot more now, they really relax her when she's tired. Her favourite place to sleep is still led straight on my stomach and chest, but there are rare occasions that she will send her self to sleep if she is lying on her mat.

Indie Five Weeks Old

My little girl is now eight weeks old, and they have been the most tiring, amazing and most rewarding eight weeks of mine and Luke's lives. Watching her grow and learn every day just amazes me. 

It's true what they say about finding out who is going to be there for you when you have had a baby. And for all the help we have had thank you so much. Without good friends and family around us I don't know how we would of got by. 

Personally I want to thank my amazing husband, he's been a rock since day one. He's just so hands on and wants to be there for every single moment of her life. He takes over when I'm finding things tough. I couldn't ask for a better daddy for Indie, we're both very lucky ladies. 

Dear Diary: My First 4 Weeks with Indie

It's been a long time coming, and there is a lot of bits I have wanted to write. But my weeks feel like days, my days feel like hours, and my hours feel like minutes. Finding time with my newborn has been hard.

I've not been sleeping when Indie sleeps, so I end up sitting on the sofa for hours staring into space and before I know it my entire day has gone.
Luke is back to work now so maybe I will find a routine and finally get us sorted.

Week one:
For the first two days of Indie's life we was still in hospital and everything felt amazing. We had the protection of the midwifes, and knowing that if anything was wrong or hard they could help me. That and I had Indie to myself most of the time. Most of the days it was just me, Luke and Indie and visiting times were limited. It gave us that much needed bonding time with Indie. That and I was able to breastfeed at the hospital because I had the help of the midwives.

Indie One Day Old

Coming home on that Sunday was so daunting and I really worried about being on my own with Indie without the safety of the midwives. But I had a great support system, Luke, my mum & my sister. I couldn't of done that first week without them. The first day went really well, I was a little unsure about the feeding, but we got by. But that first night was horrendous. She didn't feed, she screamed, I got upset, and no one slept. We got through it though.
As soon as I got home on that Sunday I really tried to make a big deal of Elijah (our doggy) and give him lots of attention, we introduced him to Indie straight away, he just had a sniff and walked away, not 100% sure what she was. I had done a lot of research into pets around babies, and it's really important not to shut out your dog. So that's what we did.
The midwives came the next day and really tried helping me feed her, but Indie just wasn't getting it. I tried everything, skin to skin, different positions, everything you can think of. The midwives spent two hours with me but it just wasn't happening. They told me for that night to express and syringe feed her so they knew she was getting enough food. This was so upsetting for me. You either bond through breastfeeding, or you bond through bottle feeding, but me I had to syringe feed my baby, and it felt awful. I was so upset seeing my baby feed like this. But we had a better nights sleep, but by the end of the night I thought I just want to bottle feed her, as nice as the breastfeeding felt when we could do it, the stress and the upset wasn't worth it. I remember thinking to myself "I just hope she stays asleep so I she doesn't need feeding" and that wasn't how you should feel, you should enjoy your new born. The midwives rang me and I told them about formula feeding and they talked me into expressing into bottles instead of the formula. So I got my head around that but then I went to express and just blood came out! That was it, 3 hours of crying on the phone to the midwives I just gave her formula. This was the best decision I have ever made, she took to it straight away and she was so content from it that I knew it was the right choice for us. We had an amazing nights sleep that night and I was able to start enjoying her waking up. I was excited even. Making her bottles was so much fun, and seeing her finish a whole feed was amazing.
This whole week went really fast. So many visitors came, I was so happy that everyone wanted to come and see her. She got so many presents and cards and I can't thank everyone enough. My time with Luke and Indie didn't exist for a few days though, but the odd moments that is was just us was very precious. Nights became easier and we got ourselves into our own little routine. But towards the end of the week tiredness crept up on me and I was exhausted. I just never had time to sleep.
But Indie was perfect, she hardly ever cried and she loved to sleep on my chest. When she was awake, she was so content, I love looking in her eyes. Figuring her out was a challenge for us but so worth it, she might of been a bit young to have a big personality, but I like to think she did.
We went to my aunties wedding that weekend, so my family got to meet her. It was really nice to get out of the house, do my make-up, my hair and dress up a bit. And getting Indie dressed up in a pretty pink dress instead of baby-grows was really nice. I was so proud to show her off. I loved taking her pram out made me feel like a proper mummy I loved pushing it, the sense of pride that it gave me. We stayed at my mums for a couple of days that weekend, and Luke wasn't with me. I missed him a lot that weekend, and he missed Indie like crazy. It was nice to get home to him.
My first week was over and I couldn't believe how fast it went.

Indie One Week Old

Week two:

This entire week was hectic, every day we had visitors planned, at one point we had 5 sets of visitors in one day, it was ridiculously tiring. But everyone wanted to see Indie whilst she was so small. I didn't mind, I was just so tired, trying to get the house clean every time people had been, and not being able to nap because there just wasn't time, it was hard work. Both me and Luke felt very tired. But again showing her off to everyone was amazing, I am ridiculously proud of her and too smitten. We had a lot of doctors appointments within this week, but it was so nice to get out and about with her. Just walking down the streets with her in her pram made me feel like a proper mummy. At night time when it was just me, Luke and Indie, I would just sit and watch her for hours. Talking to her and finally her eyes locking in on me was amazing. And she still wasn't much of a crier, she would wake me up by cooing in her moses basket, this is the best noise in the world. 

Elijah was getting more used to his attention being split, but every now and again he would really push himself into everything, it was really sweet really. One day me, Luke and Abbie were all gathered around Indie, who was lying on my bed, and Elijah walked over, rolled on his back and laid next to Indie, just so we could all fawn over him too. I managed to get a little photo shoot of him and Indie together...

Elijah & Indie

A lot of people worry about having their pets near their babies like this, but it's so important. I trust Elijah with my life, and it's not like I would ever leave them like this alone and leave the room. But I want Indie to grow up loving all creatures and animals, it's so important for her to be respectful, and it's great for Elijah to know his boundaries. If you shut your pet out because of the baby, they become upset, depressed, resentful. They will do anything for your attention because a dog can love unconditionally, but shutting them out will make them do naughty things for attention. Elijah has now started sitting next to her bouncer chair when she is in it, to protect her. I know they are going to be best friends when she is older. 

Week two was over faster than my first week, and we really didn't achieve much around the house, but my daughter is well fed, clean and content, and that is all the matters.

Indie Two Weeks Old

Week three:

Luke made me promise that we wouldn't have visitors this week, as it was his last week off work and he wanted to spend some quality time with me and Indie. Abbie (my sister) was also off work this week, so she had Indie in her room overnight to give me and Luke a full nights sleep. Easier said than done, I made my sister sleep with her bedroom door open, and kept mine open too so I could listen incase she didn't get up when Indie woke up. Both me and Luke woke up every time Indie did, but we managed to restrain ourselves from getting out of bed and getting her. My sister did really well and when I got up in the morning she was already downstairs with Indie, it was really nice to sleep in until 8. 

The week started out really good, I went and sorted out a car on the Monday, and drove it away the same day, driving with Indie in the back was so nerve wrecking after what happen with the accident. But I did it, and it felt good to have that freedom again. The first place we drove to was Applewood Farm, and that was the first restaurant we took Indie too. Again it was nice to do something like that. Just getting out and about like that really helped me feel good, and whenever we went out people would look at and ask about Indie, which I just loved.

The best bit about having a car again was being able to go over to my mums. Knowing that if I needed her I could drive up there. It really just feels like that freedom, because I knew that without my car, and living in Manchester when family live in Accrington, I would be truly stuck, there would be no way I could manage the train on my own with Indie. So I am so happy to have wheels back.

Indie was now realising that if she made a noise that we would jump to her, she started getting very clingy in the week and wouldn't sleep unless she was on someone. So I tried to put her down even when she was awake, but then she started to realise what was doing and now the crying has started. During the day this isn't so bad, because I love snuggling her, but I know I made the rod for my own back because during the night, she just wouldn't go down in her moses basket, and at the early hours of the morning, it was impossible for me to stay awake long enough to cradle her into a deep sleep, but it would make for a grumpy mummy and grumpy baby, but daddy became our hero and stepped in every time I just couldn't open my eyes. I've always been great at waking up until now, I think for the amount of tired nights it all just caught up on me. 

On the Saturday my mum went on holiday and this was a bad day for us, I was so worried about not having someone to talk to if something was wrong with Indie. Luke even joked about having to get himself ready to make lots of hospital trips. I literally am that paranoid. But it was also knowing that Luke was going back to work and I would be on my own with Indie for the first time. I was so nervous. 

Indie was really changing in her looks. She was gaining weight and her features becoming more dominant. She was still just so lovely to stare at, she's just absolutely beautiful. And she could no longer fit into her newborn baby-grows, but still 0-3months are still to big. I couldn't believe how fast 3 weeks had gone. 

Week three was over, and I was dreading week four...

Indie Three Weeks Old

Week Four:

Monday morning wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I thought that when Luke went off to work that would be it, I would be on my own. But Abbie didn't start work until 3 that afternoon so I wasn't on my own until then. I felt a bit better knowing that. Luke messaged me what felt like every 10 minutes to make sure I was okay with Indie and Elijah, I could tell it was killing him being away from us. 

Indie was getting very clingy and really didn't like being put down to sleep. So I would spend hours a day just sat in front of the tele doing nothing around the house. But everyone was telling to leave the house work and just concentrate on myself and Indie. I was getting very tired though, I knew I needed to sleep when she did, but it was so difficult, I think out of the whole week I managed to nap once on one of the days. I think it will start getting easier when I start learning to leave her when she is whinging. 

Over these last couple of weeks Indie has really struggled to get her wind up and we would spend hours with her trying everything we could think of. So when I went to get her weighed on Tuesday I mentioned it to the health visitor and she told me to take Indie to baby massage and they will show me ways to help her with wind, colic and even the bit of constipation Indie was struggling with. 

The health visitor was impressed with her weight gain, and I was relieved to know that she was putting on weight the way she should. Not that there was cause for concern, but my being constantly paranoid never helps. 

Knowing that the health visitors are literally just down the road, I started to feel a bit less "on my own" and I have started to relax a lot more. I'm not constantly worried that some thing is wrong with her. 

This week has gone really well, we just need to get this clinginess in order, I don't want her not to be able to sleep on her own, or even go in her chair, otherwise I'm going to struggle to get anything done. Right now though, I would be lying if I said I don't love it when she settles and sleeps on my chest. 

Indie Four Weeks Old

Indie at four weeks old:

We are really trying to get her to clock in on us when we are talking to her, even trying to get her to smile, which is not happening. But she really pays attention when we are talking to her, she stares at us and the look on her face is priceless, she just looks amazed all the time. She has really found her voice and has started to coo at herself, at the rare occasions that she will sit on her own in her chair. She loves exploring with her hands. I really think that she might start sucking her thumb, she hasn't found it yet, but she will suck on her fingers (not in a "I'm hungry" way). She's not a big fan of her dummy, but every now and again it relaxes her. She really doesn't like sleeping on her back, her favourite place is led on her stomach on my chest, but if you do put her down, she prefers to be on her side, with her hand under her face, it's adorable. 

Sleeping Indie

I also bought a baby carrier the other day, so I can start taking Elijah on walks during the day, I don't feel like I can handle the pram and Elijah on my own. Plus I can't take the pram across the fields. I love it though, I feel like I am pregnant again when wearing it (the good parts of pregnancy). It also felt so nice to have her close to me when I was out. Walking seemed to really relax us both, taking Elijah for a walk felt nicely normal, and having Indie there made it special. I used to be freaked out about baby carriers always thinking the worst 'what if you fell over and landed on your baby' but since having a baby, you know you will do anything to protect them and keep them safe. You walk with care, and even if you was falling, you would land on your hands and knees, you would break you wrists before landing on that child. Plus I could of fallen during pregnancy I suppose. 

My little girl is four weeks old already, and she is just as precious as one day old.

I'm looking forward to the weeks ahead. 

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Dear Diary: My Birth Story & Some Days After...

So as you know from my previous post, I was in hospital from Tuesday the 30th June and was meant to be induced to have my baby on Thursday the 2nd July.

That Thursday a midwife came to me in the morning and told me that there was delays on the induction unit and delivery unit, so they might not get to me that night and it could be another few days. I felt let down straight away, all I wanted was to meet my little girl, but I had to just get on with it. As best as you can whilst you're stuck on a hospital bed, the same one as you have been stuck on for days now. I was slowly losing my will to live.

Waiting not so patiently for Indie

My appointment time came and went, so I got myself ready for bed. And the night midwife came round and did her observations. I asked her again if there's any improvement on the induction unit and she said no but she thinks that it'll be during the night that they take me.
She left my bay and came straight back in to tell me a room is now available for me. This was about half 11 at night. I was excited, and rang my mum and Luke to tell them. I might be meeting my baby soon!!
But the midwife had already explained to me that it can take 24 hours to take affect, then they have to get me to 2cm dilated, then I have to wait to be taken to delivery, where they will break my waters, but the wait there can be a couple of days! Again so disappointing. I told Luke not to come in that late because I knew nothing would happen.
It was about 1am when the midwife had done all my checks, and actually started to induce me. She used a Pro-Pessary that would sit behind my cervix and hopefully help open it enough to have my waters broke. She told me the pessary would most likely cause "mild" back ache and some "dull" period like cramps.
So she left me in my room to get some sleep...
I woke up at 4am in the worst pain I have ever ever felt. And it was all in my back. I was in pure agony. I called the midwives in and they told me it's just the pessary doing it's job and the back ache was normal. However it was not mild back ache I was experiencing, but I didn't want to seem soft. So I accepted what they said... But then there was a pattern, I had back ache constantly, but every 4 minutes the most excruciating lower back pain would strike. I didn't want to keep calling the midwives in, so I tried to just breathe through them on my own, I couldn't lie down, sit-up, stand-up, walk etc... I just couldn't do anything. Eventually it got that bad I rang for the midwife and a she came in, I told her everything and she just said to me "well what did you expect from labour" - So rude. But I asked for some paracetamol, and she got someone else to bring them to me about half an hour later.
I couldn't cope at this point, another midwife came in about 6am to check on me and I was in floods of tears, screaming every time I got a pain, this point the pains were every 3 minutes and getting worse, but all in my lower back. She sat with me and told me that it was probably where the baby was lying and I just needed to get some rest. But I couldn't do anything. It got that bad I was screaming and she went out the room.
At some point during this I had texted my mum saying I couldn't do it. I had rang Luke crying and he said he was on his way in, but I put the phone down on him because I couldn't concentrate, I had messaged my sister telling her I think the pains were contractions. All replying to me, ringing me, texting me and I just couldn't reply. I couldn't do anything but cry and scream at the pain.
Around 7:30ish (I think) another midwife came in and saw how bad I was, she was lovely and told me that she would take the pessary out and she would examine me to see what was going on.
She asked me to lie down for her, which I tried and got straight back up balling my eyes out. She tried talking me through the pain and she kept saying she needed to make sure the baby was okay, I started to panic but there was no way in hell would my body let lie down especially on my back.
It got that bad she offered me gas and air, as she was explaining what to do the pains kept coming and I just couldn't concentrate.
She then started rubbing my back for me and trying to calm me down enough to get me on the gas. Which worked and eventually I felt like I needed to lie down, I was shattered. I never took the gas and air away from my mouth because I knew the pain would come back if I did.
The midwife monitored the baby and I heard her heart beating normally and instantly relaxed. But I still couldn't take the gas away from my mouth.
She then took the pessary out and examined me, she said straight away "Gemma we need to get you to delivery, you're 4cm dilated, is someone coming in" at this point I had no idea what was happening, I didn't know what time it was, I didn't care. I felt amazing, so sleepy and comfortable. She asked for my phone passcode and for me to press on my husbands name, which I did but he's in my phone log as "Moon" and she was like "is his name Moon?" I managed to say Luke but nothing else. Next thing I know I heard his voice in the room and my mums. They said something about the receptionist wouldn't let them in until 10. So I knew it was that time. But I didn't speak to them, I didn't see them.
I wouldn't open my eyes, because I was scared the pain would come back. The midwife brought a wheelchair in for me to go over to delivery but I was not moving, no way! I was comfortable and didn't want anyone to take that away from me. So they moved me across on the bed... But it meant they had to take the gas away from me. I just remember getting so upset and scared.

Next thing I remember from then, is someone telling me to drink some water and to cool it on the gas and air. But I couldn't, it was my life saver. Then Luke just took it away and poured water down my throat. I grabbed for the gas and air again.
The midwife offered me an injection and said it would help so I just nodded for that. Then I the pains were coming back stronger because I could feel them through the gas and air. I started screaming again and someone said epidural, I just remember nodding my head.
Then that urge to push came and I got so upset. I heard someone mention 7cm and not to push, but I did anyway because that's what my body wanted.
Then everything sped up, and I could no longer have the gas and air whilst I was pushing, so I was waking up properly and I was full blown pushing to get my baby out. The midwife told me she could she the baby's head. I remember my mum saying "is that her head? Oh my god is that her hair?" - my baby has hair?! -  the midwife kept telling me to push and I was trying so hard but I couldn't hold the pushes for long and she kept telling me the head was going back, so I would try and hold it but it was so hard. I just remember thinking "I can't do it she's not going to come out" - but she did, and I pushed again to get her shoulders out, and I was sober in less than a second.
My baby girl was on me, alive and wriggling. She didn't cry which made me panic but the midwife said she was fine and it was normal.

I had just given birth. And my baby was perfectly healthy and looking at me. I was so overwhelmed. And I could finally see Luke and my mum. Apparently I crushed both their hands and my mum even had nail marks in her hands. oh dear.

Indie's first photo

My little girl was here, and she was perfect. Her eyes were wide open and so big. I was so in love.

Luke cut the cord and he looked so proud doing so, but I think he felt queasy.

Every thing in that delivery room went really fast from there. I asked the midwife if I pooped and she laughed and said no! Oh my I was so happy! and then she gave me the injection to get the placenta out, I think Luke nearly threw up at that point!
I needed to have stitches too. They said I didn't tear I just have a graze that was deepish but I didn't need many stitches.

The midwife took Indie away from me to do all her checks like her weight. Which is really strange because both me and Luke weighed 6lb 11oz when we was born, and that is exactly the same has what Indie weighed. Fate or what?!

Just staring at Indie was the best thing I could ever do, I was already so smitten. I think everyone in that room was smitten with her. She was just so adorable. And oh my god she was/is Luke's double. That hair, dark hair and lots of it. There's that old wives tale about, 'if you have lots of heartburn throughout your pregnancy then your baby will have lots of hair' - this is a complete and utter lie! I have never suffered from heartburn, and I still have no idea what it feels like, but my baby's head is full of hair.
It just adds to her perfection.

Luke & Indie

Luke when he was born

After that the midwife asked me to feed my baby, and she tried helping but the Indie just wouldn't latch on. So she told me to go for a shower and get myself sorted and then try again. At this point I assumed that was normal. I went for my shower and when I went to wash my legs I hesitate to bend down because I was so used to not being able to bend down because there was a baby in my belly! Then I just realised wow I can bend down. It was heaven being able to shower properly again!
I was only in the shower for 2 minutes and I missed my baby so much. I had to get back to her.

Me & Indie

Luke was just sat holding her, staring at her. I knew how proud he was to be her daddy. I could just tell from that moment that he will protect and love her so much. He had never held a baby before, but he was a natural.

I was moved over to the ward, and my mum had to leave and come back at visiting times, which was only a couple of hours away. Luke was able to stay with me, thank god. The midwife came to check on me and tried helping me feed Indie again, she just wasn't having it though, so we had to express some and feed from a syringe. Again I just assumed that was normal because it was all new and neither me or Indie have ever done it before.
Them few hours felt like minutes and my mum was back with her husband and my sister. My mums husband and my sister had been waiting outside the hospital from 10am-6:30pm, waiting to hear that I have had my baby and waiting to come see her. They looked so happy that they were finally allowed in. Everyone was just so amazed and proud with Indie, she is just beautiful.

Everyone left, including Luke at 8pm, which was a bit upsetting. But it gave me a chance to really work on this feeding issue, with the midwife. We spent what felt like hours trying but it was a major struggle. Eventually got Indie to latch on to me, but it was very painful. She clearly wasn't opening her mouth wide enough. It was a bit upsetting, but at the same time I knew it was going to be a challenge. It was the same thing every 3/4 hours, a challenge to get her to latch on, so we did some more expressing, and the midwives really tried to help me. This went on throughout the night and the next day. So I asked the midwives if I could stay another night because I wasn't confident that I could feed my baby. During that Saturday night and Sunday day I felt so much more confident. I seemed to be able to get her to latch on, on my own. It would hurt like hell, but I have been told it can do.

We got home on Sunday night, two days after Indie was born. We had visitors that night and during the visiting I had to feed her, so I did that on my own again, it was a challenge getting her on, but eventually did it.
My first night home with Indie was very difficult, because every time I tried to feed, she just wouldn't latch on, and she was getting so worked up, and crying (which she never did in the hospital), she was hungry and I was tired and it just got very stressful.

The midwives came round the day after around 3pm, there was a student midwife and a qualified midwife. They were both lovely and went over all the routine stuff that they needed to. Then when it got to breastfeeding, they really tried hard to help me, again with no luck. Indie just didn't want to try and latch onto me, but yet she was hungry. They told me they would come back in a few hours and really try and help me. I started to feel so useless and getting myself worked up. I couldn't help but get emotional. They came back and again they tried everything, all different positions, they tried everything and Indie was just not getting it. I couldn't try anything else. I knew I was in for another rough night. The midwives told me to express until they came back in the morning. I was so upset.

That night was a little better from the expressing and feeding her through a syringe again. But it made me feel awful. Normally people have bottles to feed their babies and feel close watching their baby drink/eat everything, or they have that closeness of breastfeeding. I had neither.
I hardly slept that night and was very tired all day.
I decided during the night that I wanted to bottle feed, and get some normality back, and hopefully that would be right for Indie.

Around 2pm the midwife rang me to tell me they haven't got time to come around, and I told her my plan to formula feed, and she asked why, so I explained and she told me to try the expressing but straight into the bottle and stock pile it up. So I felt a bit more confident doing that... it was going okay, I was stressed and tired but I really tried. Then that evening I went to express and just blood came out! Straight away I was in floods of tears, it all just got to much for me. I was sobbing on the phone to the community midwife, who just kept telling me to persevere with it all. But I was getting more and more worked up. It got to a point I was terrified of Indie waking up and needing food. I had no expressed stuff left and I felt awful. I felt like such a failure.

I told myself that I had failed for my baby and that the closeness from breastfeeding wasn't there and she was going to hate me for putting her on formula. I spent about 3 hours sobbing. Every now and again thinking about what I couldn't do and sobbing even more.
Luke tried to calm me down, but I felt like he thought I was a failure too. And my mum kept telling me to just formula feed because of how stressed, tired and upset I was. I wasn't able to enjoy my baby because of it all.
So I made the decision and ran with it. Dreading the midwives coming round in the morning.

But I made Indie her first formula bottle and she wolfed it down. And slept so well. So around 10pm Luke said for me to go to bed, which I did gladly. He said he would feed her before he came up, so at around 1am he brought her up, but she was so settled, and it was my turn to take over. She let me sleep until about 3:30am, I gave her another bottle and she settled straight away back to sleep until about 6:30am. This was amazing. A full night of no crying, no stress. I felt so rested and Indie looked so content. I felt in that moment that I had made the right choice. She clearly wasn't getting what she needed from me, and I wasn't getting what I needed from her.

This way I can enjoy her, enjoy seeing her feed properly, enjoy her being awake. It was heaven all morning, I was on cloud nine.
Still dreading the midwives coming and being disappointed in me.

The next day when the midwives came, they took one look at both me and Indie and told me that I had made the right choice for us. I was/am so relieved. They told me that I was doing everything I could possibly do right, but Indie just wasn't getting it, and the stress wasn't worth it for both me and her. I finally looked rested, and Indie was just so much more content for them. It was really nice for me to hear them understand my decision.

Breast isn't always best. And in my case it really wasn't. My baby wasn't feeding, and getting what she needed, and as soon as she went onto formula she settled right down.
I was really hard on myself about not being able to breastfeed, but at the end of the day it's not about me, it's about what is best for my baby.
I hope there are no new mums out there struggling and feeling guilty, because it's really not worth that. The worse feeling for me was dreading my baby waking up because I couldn't feed her. I felt guilty for thinking that way, and upset because I couldn't enjoy being her mummy.
Now she's perfectly content, she has a nice full belly and I can enjoy her being awake.

I love my new born baby.

Indie one day old. 

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Dear Diary: Week 37 & 38 (and nearly 39)

Well I don't really know where to start. It seems like everything that could possibly happen has happened in the last week. 

I had lots of appointments in this week. First the Health Visitor came round to see me at the house. Apparently they like to get the paper work out the way before the baby is here. It felt at first like she was coming to check up on me, like I was being judged about whether or not I would be a good parent and provide for our child. But then she was lovely and just asked routine questions. I was put at ease. She discussed breastfeeding with me and told me that if I ever needed help to ring them and they would come out and help me with it. This really reassured me because it's one of the things I am most worried about. 

Then I had my regular midwife appointment. But she was running late and asked if she could come to the house the next day to go over my birthing plan. 

This was dead easy, there wasn't much I didn't know. And because there was a possibility of being induced she went through the process with me. Terrifying me about it. But I know it's what me and baby need. 

I had a scan the following Tuesday just to make sure baby was growing nicely still and that everything was okay. I was asked if a trainee could do the scan for me, which I didn't mind. Everyone has to learn. She was actually a lot nicer than most experience sonographers, she explained to me what she could see and what she was measuring. It was actually quite interesting. She was also the first person to tell me how much my baby was weighing (estimated of course) 6lb 11oz. This was on Tuesday the 23rd June. 

Both me and Luke weighted that when we was born! 

But at least I know she's not going to be too small or too big. She's healthy! 

I saw a senior doctor at the same time because we've had growth issues and movement issues quite a few times. They gave me a date to be induced. 2nd July at 18:00. But it still felt like so far away. 

I've done nothing but panic throughout this pregnancy I just wanted her here. So I had visual aids to know she was perfectly fine. 

The doctor then offered me a membrane sweep to see if we could get things moving on their own. It was humiliating and so uncomfortable. But they've seen it all before. 

I got really excited and loads of people saying that it started them off. 

I walked up and down my stairs 15 times, I did little star jumps, I bounced on my birthing ball for hours and hours! 

I ate so much pineapple. 

I lost my mucus plug a few days later. Again getting excited. And a few niggley cramps. I thought "yep this is it, I'm having my baby soon"... 

But still no contractions, and no waters! 

I came in hospital on the Saturday because I lost a blood clot, but after all the checks, the midwife told me it was normal and the monitoring showed the baby was fine. They talked about being in slow labour and that the sweep was working and doing it's job. But it still meant waiting until the Thursday to be induced. 

I then had a routine midwife appointment again yesterday (30/06/2015) and she gave me another sweep. This time is was a lot more uncomfortable than the last one. And she told me that my cervix was open and that I was 1cm dilated. She also said "I've just touched your baby's head" I was thinking oh my god my poor child. But after the midwife checked her heart rate again she settled and was fine. 

I went home thinking oh this is great. It might bring labour on naturally and it'll be fine. But then I started to bleed really heavy and really fresh. Which isn't a good sign. 

So I rang the hospital straight away and they told me to come in and be checked. 

I wasn't waiting long and they did all the routine stuff, my blood pressure, my temperature etc... Then they put me on the monitor and the baby was happy in there. She didn't move as much as she normally does when I'm on the monitor.

Then the doctor came and had to do an internal to make sure there was no active bleeds! I thought this doctor was going to kill me. Honestly. She must of just passed or something, because she was honestly clueless. I didn't know whether to be annoyed, scared or feel sorry for her. 

She did the internal and said there was no active bleed but then the nurse next to her looked very concerned and then the doctor said that I started bleeding again and she needed to check my cervix. It hadn't opened anymore. But it really really hurt when she was doing it. 

She told me she had to speak to the senior doctor and would get back to me. 

At this point me and my mum was just like "what the hell just happened" I still don't really understand it now to be honest. 

But the senior doctor came to talk to me and he was lovely. So understanding. He asked me if I was okay staying there now until Thursday (when I'm being induced) because of the bleeding and movements they want to keep an eye on me. 

So he went and left me with the other doctor who was putting the needle in my hand ready for the drips. And she took forever to get what she needed. She just couldn't find what she needed at all. This made me really nervous. And I was starting to get annoyed. I know it's not her fault but I was already worrying and this just didn't help. 

When she finally got everything together she put two thin pieces of paper on my knee, under my hand. 

Then she put the biggest needle in my hand I have ever seen! Oh god did it hurt! I could of cried. Then blood went everywhere!!!! All over the bed, all over my pants, soaked straight through the pieces of paper she put down. 

Again just adding to my annoyance. 

But she did what she had to do and got it all ready before I came down on the ward. 

I'm now on the ward waiting to find out what's happening today and been told that they might try and induce my s day earlier if they have the slot. So fingers crossed!!!

My bump at 38 weeks... 

Dear Diary: 20 things my pregnancy has taught me.

1. Being wide awake at 4am is going to happen. 

2. The legs cramps are like nothing you have experienced before. 

3. Period pains still happen and you will want to cry. 

4. It hurts when you walk. 

5. It hurts when you sit down. 

6. It hurts when you lie down. 

7. They tell you to sleep on your side, but it's not comfy. 

8. You can't sneeze without doing a mini wee. In fact you can't do anything without doing a mini wee. 

9. You will love feeling that baby move. Especially if you have a quiet one like mine. 

10. The closer you get to giving birth the more excited and less scared you get. 

11. Preparing your hospital bags is actually more exciting than packing a holiday suitcase. 

12. The love you have for your stomach seems unreal. 

13. Stretch marks don't bother you has much as you thought they would. 

14. Being nevous about breastfeeding doesn't go away, no matter how many midwives tell you how great it is. 

15. You really do learn who's going to be there for you. 

16. Your own mother becomes your rock. 

17. Your husband still has no idea what's about to happen to his life. 

18. And the thought of being a parent terrifies but excites him. 

19. You get to 37 weeks and you will do anything to try and get that baby out. (Safely of course). 

20. You get a baby at the end of all this. 

Dear Diary: Week 35 & 36

Well I feel quite emotionally drained writing this post. What I would give to say these last two weeks, well especially this last week, has been uneventful. But the truth is it's been awful.

In week 35, everything was going great, I was preparing and getting excited for Indie's arrival. Getting mine and her hospital bags ready and just purely being excited.
I was getting quite impatient also, wishing that she would come early, but at the same time be safe doing so.
My cravings during this week were exactly the same as they have always been (milk in the morning and fizzy pop in the afternoon), except I was getting hungrier quicker, and found myself snacking a lot more during the day. I think this is because I'm at home now and not at work. It's easy to get bored and turn to food as something to do.
I also started going for an afternoon nap, I found that if I didn't go for a nap during the day then I would want to go to bed at 7:30/8pm. But that would mean I wouldn't spend any time with Luke and I would wake up at a ridiculous time in the morning.

Which brings me to this week just gone.
Last Saturday I was in a very bad car accident, which you can read all about in my earlier post: Do I believe in Fate?
Basic summary is a car failed to stop at a give-way and was speeding, my car went straight into the side of him and caused my airbags to go off.
Because I'm only short I have to sit quite closely to my steering wheel, so when my airbag went off it hit my stomach straight on. It cut and bruised me quite badly.

The photo above was taken the day after the accident, whilst I was still in hospital. I was kept in for one night just for observation, mainly because they didn't want me going into labour because of the accident.
Luckily Indie's heartbeat and movements were perfectly fine, and I was reassured that she was unharmed during the crash.
A week later my stomach is looking a lot better...

The bruising is still there and is still very tender to touch. But the cuts have started to heal now and all the red markings have gone.
I had a scan on Tuesday because of static growth reasons, and they said that Indie has grown by 2cm and is finally on track on her growth chart. But because of the accident I still need to be re-scanned in 2 weeks to make sure that hasn't affected anything. They have also mentioned because of the amount of times we have been in because of growth and reduced movements, they will be talking about a date for my to be induced. Which is both excited and nerve wracking.

A few days after the accident now, I'm feeling very tired and stressed. A lot has happened with insurance and personal claims, it's all very overwhelming. But I'm going to let the lawyers take care of all that and concentrate on the fact that Indie will be here soon.

I have now finished packing Indie's hospital bag, and it's just some cleaning clothes left to be packed in mine. So I am officially ready for this little girl to arrive.
I just want her here, with me, so I have visual aids to know that she is perfectly safe and healthy.
I spend hours just getting in tune with my body and watching her move.
She's getting very strong now, and sometimes her movements hurt me or take me by surprise.

But it's just so nice to see her moving like this after everything that has happened. It's my only comfort that she is still happy in there.

I feel like my bump has grown literally over night. I feel huge, and I think people are starting to see how uncomfortable everything has gotten for me. My stretch marks are every where now, but I refuse to let them get me down. I will just have to work hard after birth to try and get rid of them. I suppose they are the marks of something amazing. I shouldn't be ashamed of them.

Here is my bump at 36 weeks...