Dear Diary: Week 37 & 38 (and nearly 39)

Well I don't really know where to start. It seems like everything that could possibly happen has happened in the last week. 

I had lots of appointments in this week. First the Health Visitor came round to see me at the house. Apparently they like to get the paper work out the way before the baby is here. It felt at first like she was coming to check up on me, like I was being judged about whether or not I would be a good parent and provide for our child. But then she was lovely and just asked routine questions. I was put at ease. She discussed breastfeeding with me and told me that if I ever needed help to ring them and they would come out and help me with it. This really reassured me because it's one of the things I am most worried about. 

Then I had my regular midwife appointment. But she was running late and asked if she could come to the house the next day to go over my birthing plan. 

This was dead easy, there wasn't much I didn't know. And because there was a possibility of being induced she went through the process with me. Terrifying me about it. But I know it's what me and baby need. 

I had a scan the following Tuesday just to make sure baby was growing nicely still and that everything was okay. I was asked if a trainee could do the scan for me, which I didn't mind. Everyone has to learn. She was actually a lot nicer than most experience sonographers, she explained to me what she could see and what she was measuring. It was actually quite interesting. She was also the first person to tell me how much my baby was weighing (estimated of course) 6lb 11oz. This was on Tuesday the 23rd June. 

Both me and Luke weighted that when we was born! 

But at least I know she's not going to be too small or too big. She's healthy! 

I saw a senior doctor at the same time because we've had growth issues and movement issues quite a few times. They gave me a date to be induced. 2nd July at 18:00. But it still felt like so far away. 

I've done nothing but panic throughout this pregnancy I just wanted her here. So I had visual aids to know she was perfectly fine. 

The doctor then offered me a membrane sweep to see if we could get things moving on their own. It was humiliating and so uncomfortable. But they've seen it all before. 

I got really excited and loads of people saying that it started them off. 

I walked up and down my stairs 15 times, I did little star jumps, I bounced on my birthing ball for hours and hours! 

I ate so much pineapple. 

I lost my mucus plug a few days later. Again getting excited. And a few niggley cramps. I thought "yep this is it, I'm having my baby soon"... 

But still no contractions, and no waters! 

I came in hospital on the Saturday because I lost a blood clot, but after all the checks, the midwife told me it was normal and the monitoring showed the baby was fine. They talked about being in slow labour and that the sweep was working and doing it's job. But it still meant waiting until the Thursday to be induced. 

I then had a routine midwife appointment again yesterday (30/06/2015) and she gave me another sweep. This time is was a lot more uncomfortable than the last one. And she told me that my cervix was open and that I was 1cm dilated. She also said "I've just touched your baby's head" I was thinking oh my god my poor child. But after the midwife checked her heart rate again she settled and was fine. 

I went home thinking oh this is great. It might bring labour on naturally and it'll be fine. But then I started to bleed really heavy and really fresh. Which isn't a good sign. 

So I rang the hospital straight away and they told me to come in and be checked. 

I wasn't waiting long and they did all the routine stuff, my blood pressure, my temperature etc... Then they put me on the monitor and the baby was happy in there. She didn't move as much as she normally does when I'm on the monitor.

Then the doctor came and had to do an internal to make sure there was no active bleeds! I thought this doctor was going to kill me. Honestly. She must of just passed or something, because she was honestly clueless. I didn't know whether to be annoyed, scared or feel sorry for her. 

She did the internal and said there was no active bleed but then the nurse next to her looked very concerned and then the doctor said that I started bleeding again and she needed to check my cervix. It hadn't opened anymore. But it really really hurt when she was doing it. 

She told me she had to speak to the senior doctor and would get back to me. 

At this point me and my mum was just like "what the hell just happened" I still don't really understand it now to be honest. 

But the senior doctor came to talk to me and he was lovely. So understanding. He asked me if I was okay staying there now until Thursday (when I'm being induced) because of the bleeding and movements they want to keep an eye on me. 

So he went and left me with the other doctor who was putting the needle in my hand ready for the drips. And she took forever to get what she needed. She just couldn't find what she needed at all. This made me really nervous. And I was starting to get annoyed. I know it's not her fault but I was already worrying and this just didn't help. 

When she finally got everything together she put two thin pieces of paper on my knee, under my hand. 

Then she put the biggest needle in my hand I have ever seen! Oh god did it hurt! I could of cried. Then blood went everywhere!!!! All over the bed, all over my pants, soaked straight through the pieces of paper she put down. 

Again just adding to my annoyance. 

But she did what she had to do and got it all ready before I came down on the ward. 

I'm now on the ward waiting to find out what's happening today and been told that they might try and induce my s day earlier if they have the slot. So fingers crossed!!!

My bump at 38 weeks... 

Dear Diary: 20 things my pregnancy has taught me.

1. Being wide awake at 4am is going to happen. 

2. The legs cramps are like nothing you have experienced before. 

3. Period pains still happen and you will want to cry. 

4. It hurts when you walk. 

5. It hurts when you sit down. 

6. It hurts when you lie down. 

7. They tell you to sleep on your side, but it's not comfy. 

8. You can't sneeze without doing a mini wee. In fact you can't do anything without doing a mini wee. 

9. You will love feeling that baby move. Especially if you have a quiet one like mine. 

10. The closer you get to giving birth the more excited and less scared you get. 

11. Preparing your hospital bags is actually more exciting than packing a holiday suitcase. 

12. The love you have for your stomach seems unreal. 

13. Stretch marks don't bother you has much as you thought they would. 

14. Being nevous about breastfeeding doesn't go away, no matter how many midwives tell you how great it is. 

15. You really do learn who's going to be there for you. 

16. Your own mother becomes your rock. 

17. Your husband still has no idea what's about to happen to his life. 

18. And the thought of being a parent terrifies but excites him. 

19. You get to 37 weeks and you will do anything to try and get that baby out. (Safely of course). 

20. You get a baby at the end of all this. 

Dear Diary: Week 35 & 36

Well I feel quite emotionally drained writing this post. What I would give to say these last two weeks, well especially this last week, has been uneventful. But the truth is it's been awful.

In week 35, everything was going great, I was preparing and getting excited for Indie's arrival. Getting mine and her hospital bags ready and just purely being excited.
I was getting quite impatient also, wishing that she would come early, but at the same time be safe doing so.
My cravings during this week were exactly the same as they have always been (milk in the morning and fizzy pop in the afternoon), except I was getting hungrier quicker, and found myself snacking a lot more during the day. I think this is because I'm at home now and not at work. It's easy to get bored and turn to food as something to do.
I also started going for an afternoon nap, I found that if I didn't go for a nap during the day then I would want to go to bed at 7:30/8pm. But that would mean I wouldn't spend any time with Luke and I would wake up at a ridiculous time in the morning.

Which brings me to this week just gone.
Last Saturday I was in a very bad car accident, which you can read all about in my earlier post: Do I believe in Fate?
Basic summary is a car failed to stop at a give-way and was speeding, my car went straight into the side of him and caused my airbags to go off.
Because I'm only short I have to sit quite closely to my steering wheel, so when my airbag went off it hit my stomach straight on. It cut and bruised me quite badly.

The photo above was taken the day after the accident, whilst I was still in hospital. I was kept in for one night just for observation, mainly because they didn't want me going into labour because of the accident.
Luckily Indie's heartbeat and movements were perfectly fine, and I was reassured that she was unharmed during the crash.
A week later my stomach is looking a lot better...

The bruising is still there and is still very tender to touch. But the cuts have started to heal now and all the red markings have gone.
I had a scan on Tuesday because of static growth reasons, and they said that Indie has grown by 2cm and is finally on track on her growth chart. But because of the accident I still need to be re-scanned in 2 weeks to make sure that hasn't affected anything. They have also mentioned because of the amount of times we have been in because of growth and reduced movements, they will be talking about a date for my to be induced. Which is both excited and nerve wracking.

A few days after the accident now, I'm feeling very tired and stressed. A lot has happened with insurance and personal claims, it's all very overwhelming. But I'm going to let the lawyers take care of all that and concentrate on the fact that Indie will be here soon.

I have now finished packing Indie's hospital bag, and it's just some cleaning clothes left to be packed in mine. So I am officially ready for this little girl to arrive.
I just want her here, with me, so I have visual aids to know that she is perfectly safe and healthy.
I spend hours just getting in tune with my body and watching her move.
She's getting very strong now, and sometimes her movements hurt me or take me by surprise.

But it's just so nice to see her moving like this after everything that has happened. It's my only comfort that she is still happy in there.

I feel like my bump has grown literally over night. I feel huge, and I think people are starting to see how uncomfortable everything has gotten for me. My stretch marks are every where now, but I refuse to let them get me down. I will just have to work hard after birth to try and get rid of them. I suppose they are the marks of something amazing. I shouldn't be ashamed of them.

Here is my bump at 36 weeks...

Dear Diary: Do I Believe in Fate?

I've always been one to say that everything happens for a reason. But I honestly can't put a reason on this one.

On Saturday night I was in a car accident. The first car accident of my entire life, and I was driving!

I'd like to say that is was a little bump with another car, but it wasn't. It was a full on, head on, airbag kind of crash.
I want to say I'm lucky I wasn't on my own, which in a sense I suppose I am, but that's not to say I feel lucky that my sister was with me in the passenger seat. I just mean that if she wasn't there I don't know how the night would of gone. She reacted so fast, and me so slow (after the crash). And this scares me.

I was driving home from doing our bi weekly shopping, and I turned onto our neighbourhood, I was just driving, literally 20 seconds away from my house, not thinking that this was going to happen. I must of been going about 15mph. When a blue car failed to give way on a side street, he looked like he was doing 50mph but in reality he was actually doing 25/30mph. He didn't even attempt to stop.
I don't really remember much of the crash in all honesty. I remember my sister gasping, seeing a blur of blue (the colour of the other car), but he had passed me, yet I knew I had hit him, I had already slammed on my brake, but it happened so fast.
I just remember seeing my airbag and smoke and by the time I had realised this, Abbie was around my car opening the door and I just panicked. My stomach was on fire, and so tight. I needed to make sure my baby was okay.

We had some really amazing help from our neighbours, who got me a chair and did all the ringing for an ambulance and police. Abbie ran around the corner to get Luke from the house. I can only imagine the panic in both of them. Luke says Abbie nearly smashed the door in and he had no idea, I guess everything goes into slow motion when you hear your heavily pregnant wife has just had a car crash. Abbie threw up there and then, I guess; the fear, the panic and the adrenalin was just to much.

I was sat waiting for the ambulance to come, begging they would be fast, because I just wanted to know my baby was okay. She started wriggling around as I was sat waiting, but my stomach was hurting so much. Not pain inside, outside, like someone had set it on fire. As I was waiting and everyone was making a fuss, I finally started to look around...
I saw my car!

 

I just couldn't believe that was my car, and that I had just crashed into another car.
I looked around for the other car, it was half way down the street it was aiming for, but had completely spun around, I saw that there was a massive dint from my car, along the backside of the passenger side. No were near the same amount of damage as my car.

I saw a man that looked like me might of been driving, his eyes were all red and he looked very distressed, he was about 25 years old. Then I was told he was the passenger and that the side airbag went off and hit his face and caught his eye. It was his dad, about 50 years old, that had been driving. Someone got all his details for me. But as we was waiting for the ambulance and police, he had approached me. He apologised and I could see how bad he felt.
I personally think that he's done that junction a few times and never had an accident, but now he's done it and caused this, with a pregnant lady I think guilt kicked in straight away for him.
I just sat there and looked at him, I couldn't say "it's okay" because it wasn't. I told him that I need to make sure my baby is okay!

Then the ambulance showed up and I was put into the back straight away. They did all the checks and said I needed to go to hospital but they didn't think my baby was in immediate danger.
She was still wriggling around...
I told the medics that my stomach was on fire at the top and it was so sore. They lifted my top and I just went into hyper-venting mode...

Them cuts and marks were all new, all I wanted to know was what damage this had caused for Indie, and was she safe. 

Eventually we set off to the hospital, with sirens and lights. It was scary... And it was on the way to the hospital then I just grabbed Luke's hand and burst out crying. This was the first time I had cried since it happened. It just hit me. I had been in a car crash, I had been in a crash with my sister, I had been in a crash whilst I'm pregnant, I was driving!

We got to the hospital at exactly 8pm. 

I calmed down when we got to the hospital and I was taken to the ward on a stretcher. The midwives took over straight away. 

First thing they did was check for the heartbeat using the handheld microphone thing. She found it straight away. I couldn't control myself, I was in floods of tears, and looked over to Luke who had also broke down. The relief that her heart was still beating, this was such a good sign. 

Whilst we was waiting to go onto the monitor, the police man turned up to talk to me. 

He told me the other driver had admitted to all fault, and he had given the correct statement. He told the police exactly what had happened. 

The police told me that he was being charged for a careless driving offence, which means 6 points on his license and he has to go on a course. Because he failed to stop at a give-way. 

At this point I wasn't bothered about all that, I was relieved that it wasn't a battle, it was black and white, his fault. But at the same time I wanted to know how he was, and his son. 

The police told me that they weren't taken to hospital, just treated at the scene and sent home. He told me not to worry about insurance, he had got all the details and wrote them down for me. He said to ring when I can and they will sort everything out for me. 

Before he went he told me the other driver wanted to know if I was okay with the police man letting him know how I got on. 

So he (the police man) set up a password with the hospital to get access to my details. 

I was then moved to another room where they put me on the monitor for an hour and 45 minutes. 

Her heart was strong and she was wriggling around. She was letting me know she was okay! She went quiet (movement wise) for about 20 minutes, so I had to stay on a bit longer, but the midwives said it was normal, it's just they don't move as much when they are sleeping. 

But everything was so reassuring. 

At this point my mum, her husband and my sister came up. They had been taken to A&E to check over my sister. She was looking so pale, scared and tired. She had sprained her neck, shoulder and left arm. So she was in pain with that. 

I just felt in that moment that we both were very lucky, grateful for our seat belts and just lucky it wasn't a few second later... 

I know you shouldn't think like that, but if I was a second later, he would of crashed into the side of me. And he would of caused a lot more damage to me and the baby.

A doctor came and saw me about 1am, and told me I had to stay over night for observation. It was around 2am that I got a bed. I didn't have any over night stuff, so I had to sleep in my t-shirt and underwear, so uncomfortable. 

Saying bye to Luke and everyone was hard, I know how worried everyone was. 

But we had been told all signs are looking great, babies movements are strong, her heartbeat healthy and that staying in was just routine. 

I managed to get 2 hours sleep at the most. And that morning about 10am I was put on the monitor again. 

And she was perfect. He heart beating as strong as it is was the best sound ever. The doctor came and examined me to make sure I wasn't going into labour, thank god I wasn't. But she said I need to be scanned to make sure everything was okay. So I have an appointment on Tuesday morning for that. 

She told me they are probably going to get me to about 38 weeks and induce me. She told me this wasn't anything to do with the crash, it was for the static growth reasons. 

I was sent home on bed rest. 

All I keep thinking is "what if" and it's such a bad way to think. 

Both me and my sister can't believe we was in a car accident and that we aren't seriously hurt. 

Maybe it happened to tell me to stop panicking so much about the baby, and if she can survive something like this, then she can survive my every day life. 

Maybe it just happened because that's life and shit happens. I don't know. 

Is it fate? Or just life? 

Right now all that matters is that every one involved is not seriously hurt.