That Thursday a midwife came to me in the morning and told me that there was delays on the induction unit and delivery unit, so they might not get to me that night and it could be another few days. I felt let down straight away, all I wanted was to meet my little girl, but I had to just get on with it. As best as you can whilst you're stuck on a hospital bed, the same one as you have been stuck on for days now. I was slowly losing my will to live.
Waiting not so patiently for Indie
My appointment time came and went, so I got myself ready for bed. And the night midwife came round and did her observations. I asked her again if there's any improvement on the induction unit and she said no but she thinks that it'll be during the night that they take me.
She left my bay and came straight back in to tell me a room is now available for me. This was about half 11 at night. I was excited, and rang my mum and Luke to tell them. I might be meeting my baby soon!!
But the midwife had already explained to me that it can take 24 hours to take affect, then they have to get me to 2cm dilated, then I have to wait to be taken to delivery, where they will break my waters, but the wait there can be a couple of days! Again so disappointing. I told Luke not to come in that late because I knew nothing would happen.
It was about 1am when the midwife had done all my checks, and actually started to induce me. She used a Pro-Pessary that would sit behind my cervix and hopefully help open it enough to have my waters broke. She told me the pessary would most likely cause "mild" back ache and some "dull" period like cramps.
So she left me in my room to get some sleep...
I woke up at 4am in the worst pain I have ever ever felt. And it was all in my back. I was in pure agony. I called the midwives in and they told me it's just the pessary doing it's job and the back ache was normal. However it was not mild back ache I was experiencing, but I didn't want to seem soft. So I accepted what they said... But then there was a pattern, I had back ache constantly, but every 4 minutes the most excruciating lower back pain would strike. I didn't want to keep calling the midwives in, so I tried to just breathe through them on my own, I couldn't lie down, sit-up, stand-up, walk etc... I just couldn't do anything. Eventually it got that bad I rang for the midwife and a she came in, I told her everything and she just said to me "well what did you expect from labour" - So rude. But I asked for some paracetamol, and she got someone else to bring them to me about half an hour later.
I couldn't cope at this point, another midwife came in about 6am to check on me and I was in floods of tears, screaming every time I got a pain, this point the pains were every 3 minutes and getting worse, but all in my lower back. She sat with me and told me that it was probably where the baby was lying and I just needed to get some rest. But I couldn't do anything. It got that bad I was screaming and she went out the room.
At some point during this I had texted my mum saying I couldn't do it. I had rang Luke crying and he said he was on his way in, but I put the phone down on him because I couldn't concentrate, I had messaged my sister telling her I think the pains were contractions. All replying to me, ringing me, texting me and I just couldn't reply. I couldn't do anything but cry and scream at the pain.
Around 7:30ish (I think) another midwife came in and saw how bad I was, she was lovely and told me that she would take the pessary out and she would examine me to see what was going on.
She asked me to lie down for her, which I tried and got straight back up balling my eyes out. She tried talking me through the pain and she kept saying she needed to make sure the baby was okay, I started to panic but there was no way in hell would my body let lie down especially on my back.
It got that bad she offered me gas and air, as she was explaining what to do the pains kept coming and I just couldn't concentrate.
She then started rubbing my back for me and trying to calm me down enough to get me on the gas. Which worked and eventually I felt like I needed to lie down, I was shattered. I never took the gas and air away from my mouth because I knew the pain would come back if I did.
The midwife monitored the baby and I heard her heart beating normally and instantly relaxed. But I still couldn't take the gas away from my mouth.
She then took the pessary out and examined me, she said straight away "Gemma we need to get you to delivery, you're 4cm dilated, is someone coming in" at this point I had no idea what was happening, I didn't know what time it was, I didn't care. I felt amazing, so sleepy and comfortable. She asked for my phone passcode and for me to press on my husbands name, which I did but he's in my phone log as "Moon" and she was like "is his name Moon?" I managed to say Luke but nothing else. Next thing I know I heard his voice in the room and my mums. They said something about the receptionist wouldn't let them in until 10. So I knew it was that time. But I didn't speak to them, I didn't see them.
I wouldn't open my eyes, because I was scared the pain would come back. The midwife brought a wheelchair in for me to go over to delivery but I was not moving, no way! I was comfortable and didn't want anyone to take that away from me. So they moved me across on the bed... But it meant they had to take the gas away from me. I just remember getting so upset and scared.
Next thing I remember from then, is someone telling me to drink some water and to cool it on the gas and air. But I couldn't, it was my life saver. Then Luke just took it away and poured water down my throat. I grabbed for the gas and air again.
The midwife offered me an injection and said it would help so I just nodded for that. Then I the pains were coming back stronger because I could feel them through the gas and air. I started screaming again and someone said epidural, I just remember nodding my head.
Then that urge to push came and I got so upset. I heard someone mention 7cm and not to push, but I did anyway because that's what my body wanted.
Then everything sped up, and I could no longer have the gas and air whilst I was pushing, so I was waking up properly and I was full blown pushing to get my baby out. The midwife told me she could she the baby's head. I remember my mum saying "is that her head? Oh my god is that her hair?" - my baby has hair?! - the midwife kept telling me to push and I was trying so hard but I couldn't hold the pushes for long and she kept telling me the head was going back, so I would try and hold it but it was so hard. I just remember thinking "I can't do it she's not going to come out" - but she did, and I pushed again to get her shoulders out, and I was sober in less than a second.
My baby girl was on me, alive and wriggling. She didn't cry which made me panic but the midwife said she was fine and it was normal.
I had just given birth. And my baby was perfectly healthy and looking at me. I was so overwhelmed. And I could finally see Luke and my mum. Apparently I crushed both their hands and my mum even had nail marks in her hands. oh dear.
Indie's first photo
My little girl was here, and she was perfect. Her eyes were wide open and so big. I was so in love.
Luke cut the cord and he looked so proud doing so, but I think he felt queasy.
Every thing in that delivery room went really fast from there. I asked the midwife if I pooped and she laughed and said no! Oh my I was so happy! and then she gave me the injection to get the placenta out, I think Luke nearly threw up at that point!
I needed to have stitches too. They said I didn't tear I just have a graze that was deepish but I didn't need many stitches.
The midwife took Indie away from me to do all her checks like her weight. Which is really strange because both me and Luke weighed 6lb 11oz when we was born, and that is exactly the same has what Indie weighed. Fate or what?!
Just staring at Indie was the best thing I could ever do, I was already so smitten. I think everyone in that room was smitten with her. She was just so adorable. And oh my god she was/is Luke's double. That hair, dark hair and lots of it. There's that old wives tale about, 'if you have lots of heartburn throughout your pregnancy then your baby will have lots of hair' - this is a complete and utter lie! I have never suffered from heartburn, and I still have no idea what it feels like, but my baby's head is full of hair.
It just adds to her perfection.
Luke & Indie
Luke when he was born
After that the midwife asked me to feed my baby, and she tried helping but the Indie just wouldn't latch on. So she told me to go for a shower and get myself sorted and then try again. At this point I assumed that was normal. I went for my shower and when I went to wash my legs I hesitate to bend down because I was so used to not being able to bend down because there was a baby in my belly! Then I just realised wow I can bend down. It was heaven being able to shower properly again!
I was only in the shower for 2 minutes and I missed my baby so much. I had to get back to her.
Me & Indie
Luke was just sat holding her, staring at her. I knew how proud he was to be her daddy. I could just tell from that moment that he will protect and love her so much. He had never held a baby before, but he was a natural.
I was moved over to the ward, and my mum had to leave and come back at visiting times, which was only a couple of hours away. Luke was able to stay with me, thank god. The midwife came to check on me and tried helping me feed Indie again, she just wasn't having it though, so we had to express some and feed from a syringe. Again I just assumed that was normal because it was all new and neither me or Indie have ever done it before.
Them few hours felt like minutes and my mum was back with her husband and my sister. My mums husband and my sister had been waiting outside the hospital from 10am-6:30pm, waiting to hear that I have had my baby and waiting to come see her. They looked so happy that they were finally allowed in. Everyone was just so amazed and proud with Indie, she is just beautiful.
Everyone left, including Luke at 8pm, which was a bit upsetting. But it gave me a chance to really work on this feeding issue, with the midwife. We spent what felt like hours trying but it was a major struggle. Eventually got Indie to latch on to me, but it was very painful. She clearly wasn't opening her mouth wide enough. It was a bit upsetting, but at the same time I knew it was going to be a challenge. It was the same thing every 3/4 hours, a challenge to get her to latch on, so we did some more expressing, and the midwives really tried to help me. This went on throughout the night and the next day. So I asked the midwives if I could stay another night because I wasn't confident that I could feed my baby. During that Saturday night and Sunday day I felt so much more confident. I seemed to be able to get her to latch on, on my own. It would hurt like hell, but I have been told it can do.
We got home on Sunday night, two days after Indie was born. We had visitors that night and during the visiting I had to feed her, so I did that on my own again, it was a challenge getting her on, but eventually did it.
My first night home with Indie was very difficult, because every time I tried to feed, she just wouldn't latch on, and she was getting so worked up, and crying (which she never did in the hospital), she was hungry and I was tired and it just got very stressful.
The midwives came round the day after around 3pm, there was a student midwife and a qualified midwife. They were both lovely and went over all the routine stuff that they needed to. Then when it got to breastfeeding, they really tried hard to help me, again with no luck. Indie just didn't want to try and latch onto me, but yet she was hungry. They told me they would come back in a few hours and really try and help me. I started to feel so useless and getting myself worked up. I couldn't help but get emotional. They came back and again they tried everything, all different positions, they tried everything and Indie was just not getting it. I couldn't try anything else. I knew I was in for another rough night. The midwives told me to express until they came back in the morning. I was so upset.
That night was a little better from the expressing and feeding her through a syringe again. But it made me feel awful. Normally people have bottles to feed their babies and feel close watching their baby drink/eat everything, or they have that closeness of breastfeeding. I had neither.
I hardly slept that night and was very tired all day.
I decided during the night that I wanted to bottle feed, and get some normality back, and hopefully that would be right for Indie.
Around 2pm the midwife rang me to tell me they haven't got time to come around, and I told her my plan to formula feed, and she asked why, so I explained and she told me to try the expressing but straight into the bottle and stock pile it up. So I felt a bit more confident doing that... it was going okay, I was stressed and tired but I really tried. Then that evening I went to express and just blood came out! Straight away I was in floods of tears, it all just got to much for me. I was sobbing on the phone to the community midwife, who just kept telling me to persevere with it all. But I was getting more and more worked up. It got to a point I was terrified of Indie waking up and needing food. I had no expressed stuff left and I felt awful. I felt like such a failure.
I told myself that I had failed for my baby and that the closeness from breastfeeding wasn't there and she was going to hate me for putting her on formula. I spent about 3 hours sobbing. Every now and again thinking about what I couldn't do and sobbing even more.
Luke tried to calm me down, but I felt like he thought I was a failure too. And my mum kept telling me to just formula feed because of how stressed, tired and upset I was. I wasn't able to enjoy my baby because of it all.
So I made the decision and ran with it. Dreading the midwives coming round in the morning.
But I made Indie her first formula bottle and she wolfed it down. And slept so well. So around 10pm Luke said for me to go to bed, which I did gladly. He said he would feed her before he came up, so at around 1am he brought her up, but she was so settled, and it was my turn to take over. She let me sleep until about 3:30am, I gave her another bottle and she settled straight away back to sleep until about 6:30am. This was amazing. A full night of no crying, no stress. I felt so rested and Indie looked so content. I felt in that moment that I had made the right choice. She clearly wasn't getting what she needed from me, and I wasn't getting what I needed from her.
This way I can enjoy her, enjoy seeing her feed properly, enjoy her being awake. It was heaven all morning, I was on cloud nine.
Still dreading the midwives coming and being disappointed in me.
The next day when the midwives came, they took one look at both me and Indie and told me that I had made the right choice for us. I was/am so relieved. They told me that I was doing everything I could possibly do right, but Indie just wasn't getting it, and the stress wasn't worth it for both me and her. I finally looked rested, and Indie was just so much more content for them. It was really nice for me to hear them understand my decision.
Breast isn't always best. And in my case it really wasn't. My baby wasn't feeding, and getting what she needed, and as soon as she went onto formula she settled right down.
I was really hard on myself about not being able to breastfeed, but at the end of the day it's not about me, it's about what is best for my baby.
I hope there are no new mums out there struggling and feeling guilty, because it's really not worth that. The worse feeling for me was dreading my baby waking up because I couldn't feed her. I felt guilty for thinking that way, and upset because I couldn't enjoy being her mummy.
Now she's perfectly content, she has a nice full belly and I can enjoy her being awake.
I love my new born baby.
Indie one day old.